I have always wondered why I have had to face so many obstacles in this life. I truly believe there is a reason for everything. With 100% certainly I believe I have endured everything that I have in order to face Dax's heart issues. If you ask anyone in my life or at work I'm the one who rarely sheds a tear and who is always collected even in the saddest situations/moments in life. I always hear how strong I am. Well, they haven't seen me when it comes to my children. I'm the first to shed a tear during a special moment, I'm the first to panic when something bad happens. For instance, I've seen decapitated bodies numerous times....but, Mya bites her tongue and I fall to my knees at the sight of blood coming from her mouth. I was told I needed open heart and I was perfectly fine with that. But, my kids need their tonsils out and I think it's the end of the world. I honestly, don't think I could have handled Dax's condition if I hadn't faced it myself. My experience has given me the comfort to trust that he will be o.k. no matter what he has to face.
Everyday for almost a year I have thought about Dax's yearly appointment. At first putting it far in the back of my head, pretending it was all just a dream. I last left off feeling so confused about the path to take with him. If surgery was needed J and I were not in complete agreement. I think it's important to be on the same page. Neither one of us wanting to be the leader in case it was the wrong choice. Dax's ASD was right on the marker needing to be surgically closed. By school age if it were to close it should have by now. The good thing is that it would be an elective surgery in a sense to prevent him from future heart issues like myself. We decided, since we didn't know what path his ASD was taking, to give him one year of sports and growth.
Over this past year we have watched Dax like a hawk. He only had one episode of palpitations, a few over heated events and a couple shortness of breath episodes. Although, is it because he is just so small and trying to keep up? He's a tough cookie for sure and never stops.
The week of Dax's appointment I was full of many thoughts. J deals with me so well. He knows what I'm thinking without me even saying a word. I know first hand that our lives can be changed with just one doctor's appointment. I mostly am fearful of having too many choices. Will we chose the wrong path for him? Is this doctor wrong? Is there someone better out there for him? Ugh...... I prayed every second I could.
We enter the hospital and I couldn't sit. J distracts the kids with ipods and hugs. When I finally sit because of the 1 hour and 30minute wait, my tremoring starts. Thank goodness for J's crazy humor. He truly is my gift in life. As they call us back we are all laughing hysterically.
Dax plops in the bed and means business. He knows what he is there for and wants it done and over with. An EKG is done and J's eyes raise up looking at me. He wanted to know if it looked o.k. It does....shew! I smile back. The doctor walks in so seriously. J looks him over and I just have to laugh. I knew exactly what he was doing. He is so fascinated with the different personalities and always after an appointment he tends to imitate each Doctor. Dr. R does Dax's physical exam without saying a word. Zero interaction with Dax. His bedside manner truly lacks but, that's not what we are there for. I view it as Dr. R seeing this is a serious moment and he knows we want him to get to the point. Dr. R states, "Let's hook him up and take a look." Dax lays back without a word and an echo is performed. The six of us in the room hold our breath. The silence is like none other. I immediately see the shunting from the ASD and grab J's shirt in fear. He looks at me. Funny, I think he has learned to trust my opinion before anyone else's. I was praying, I take a harder look and then I whisper..."it looks the same". To see shunting of blood cross where it isn't suppose too rocks me to my core. I don't care how big it is. I know it's not natural and it sends flashbacks of myself. My eyes start to swell a little. But, I take a look at my son who's smiling from ear to ear and I take a big breath. I wait for Dr. R to confirm. He indeed agrees it is the same size. Within a second I realize that it could be much worse. It could have grown. But, it didn't. As a family we didn't know what to do. We held our reactions to ourselves and asked a few questions. We decided to continue to watch Dax and monitor him. Statistics show that by teenage years he will have to have something done. He has a 70% chance of developing pulmonary hypertension by age 40 and an even greater chance of developing valve issues even sooner. Each decade that an ASD is left untreated, it is said that it almost can double in size. We are also concerned about the chance of stroke in the future. Our theory is that his ASD is on the smaller size and we are not happy with what the choices to treat him are. If we can wait even a year to treat him we will take it!! I personally am hoping for the next rising technology. There is a possibility of a cauterization type procedure that can basically close an ASD with a probe and radioactivity. Or even, closing it with a patch made from Dax's own skin cells. Our greatest gift in all this is that we have TIME!
We didn't really celebrate on the way home. We were quiet at first. I said
a few silent prayers and I could see J's face of deep thought. We almost spontaneously turned to each other and started to count off the many things we were grateful for. Thankful for all the positives of Dax's present ASD. We are thankful for the gift of knowing. That he won't be that teenage football player that collapses. We are thankful that we are more knowledgeable and have the ability to weigh our options. We are thankful that medical technology is advancing everyday. We are thankful that God has blessed us with the most amazing little boy who brightens our everyday!
