"No matter how you feel, dress up and show up for life"

I use to think that a special dress, the nice sheets, the good drinking glasses and the scented candles were just for those special occasions. I would wait and wait for just the right moment. Although, most of the time I found I soon would out grow the dresses, I liked another candle scent and when I did have someone over they drank from plastic cups. I don't know what I was waiting for really and through my life's journey I realized that every day is a special occasion. Life's too short to waste doing anything boring or joyless. So, I now am blogging while drinking from that expensive glass, while wearing my cutest dress and burning my newest scented candle:)
I have held off for a little while waiting to post. Primarily because so much has happened that I didn't know where to begin. I was nervous to update because it's hard to post when I didn't have at least some answers for you. So, where to begin & how?
Since my stroke in February it has been a world wind of How, When and Why? In February I discovered I had two strokes. One ischemic and the other appearing hemorragic. Odd thing is they were in two totally different parts of the brain. One on the left front and the other in the right posterior of the brain. One I looked back and saw the symptoms but no major residuals and the other affecting my entire left side. I have since recovered 99%. Pretty amazing if you ask me:) It was a scary time wondering if the damage was permanent or temporary. I had many runs where I wobbled and many many frustrating obstacles with my left hand. I tried to adapt as best I could and to be honest it was more difficult than I ever let onto. My neurologist is a saint and had to repeat and remind me many times, "Anne, you have had a couple of strokes" "It is o.k. you are feeling this way, it is o.k. to be frustrated." In reply, I would say, "Real strokes....can you repeat that"? I was in denial I guess. Or maybe I just didn't want to play the result I was given. Funny, when I tell people they give me the, "she's pulling my leg look". In a way that's a compliment to me. I'll take it. I've never been much for playing the result, I go with how I feel...not what a piece of paper says.
Anyway, while trying to narrow down our plan I had another curve ball in mid April. Wait for it......ANOTHER bleed! This time in the right middle to posterior brain. That wasn't something expected. But, by now I should learn that "nothing isn't possible". That saying works many ways. If given a bad outcome I just want to know that's it's possible that I can conquer it. Because, odds are I'm gonna! I do get fearful. Many mornings as I opened my eyes I prayed out loud, "thank you Lord for allowing me another day". But, give me time and I start my game plan of concurring my next battle.
My neurologist called me and explained the situation with great concern. You could hear the difficulty of telling me in her voice. The concern of how I would take it. My first reply...."Does that mean I can't go on any roller coasters for awhile?" I think I threw her off guard for a second. I wasn't being funny and she could tell that in my voice. It was a serious question. You see my son and I were talking about our summer plans and his goal was to ride the largest roller coaster in the world. I told him we'll work our way up to it. When Dr. Y gathered her thoughts she said, "We'll ,make that happen!" You see she pushes me because I am not an 80 year old stroke patient. I am 33 and not many have been in my path. She sees that I need to make my rules but just remain cautious. To me that perspective from her makes all the difference in the world! If I was given the choice of, 2 years of an amazing life full of joy or 10 years of a long drawn out illness filled with fear and becoming someone I'm not. I'd hands down choose the 2 years!! All my doctors know that and respect that. What an amazing group of physicians that I have surrounding me.
We spent the next couple of months figuring out if the bleeds from hemorrhages were from brain vessels rupturing or just residual clots that my heart was throwing. I wore a special heart monitor for over a month called a loop monitor. Once the results were in I was found to be having electrical issues along with some valve issues. Some ventricle and atrial abnormalities were present. The most concerning was atrial fibrillation. Atrial fibrillation is treated several ways but mostly I would need to be on a blood thinner such as coumadin. It was agreed I would have to wait until my bleeds resolved to be 100% assured they were from the heart. Mostly clots from the heart turn into ischemic(dead tissue) and do not appear in the form of blood. I was to have another MRI in the following weeks to see where we stood. With the new bleed, some complications arouse but have since resolved.
I went for my follow up MRI a couple of weeks ago full of nerves. I had been very insistent on holding off on the blood thinners as I had in the beginning and I was fearful my choice could lead me in the wrong direction. But, as always, I go with my gut instinct. I firmly believe that when something occurs to our body, we need to allow it time to heal itself. Also, I believe in the power of prayer. If my MRI was bad I would be headed on a new journey. So.....I waited hoping and praying. It was GOOD!!!! No new bleeds, and in fact all the bleeds had turned to ischemic injury but the left front. The left has greatly improved and is so very minimal. FINALLY....I could breath! The power of the mind and prayer had amazed me yet again!
So, what's next? Well, we're working on that. The thing is that even despite the fact of all these obstacles I believe in miracles. I've seen them first hand in many ways! If you want to see one in your own life just walk outside or look at your children. Although, sometimes miracles come in odd packaging wrapped like big mistakes. The secret is to find the miracle in the mess. My health issues on the outside overwhelm many. I could say enough is enough! But, I choose to find the miracle! The miracle is that no matter what, I'm here and have beaten every odd handed to me. Along my journey I have been blessed in more ways than I could ever imagine. I have been given the gift to see "life" in a completely different way than many others. I've not just been given life but I'm living it to the fullest. My obstacles give me my next challenge in a way. God has never given me more than I could carry. Sometimes, when I feel my load has reach it's maximum level, I still realize the many gifts I have been given. I never compared my life to others, because I have no idea of what journey they have gone through. My life might not have come with a big bow on it, but it's still a gift. With each new journey I face in this life I will still NEVER play the result just because it's expected. I will live my life with no regrets, focusing on the little things in life. There is so much living that can be squeezed out of one single day! While in that single day I'll be the one showing up for it in my best dress, never waiting for that special moment because today is special enough!