A New Year

A couple of years ago I started really focusing on New Years resolutions. I guess you can start them at anytime really. But mine, just so happened to occur around Jan. 1st. I was refocusing my life and trying to figure out my purpose. To tell you the truth, I think we all have many purposes in life. Mine, as far as I can tell, is to serve God, be the best mother/friend/wife I can be and to help others through my life experiences. Basically, to make a difference as best I can!

2010 was my most fullfilling year accomplishment wise. I tested my strength, and gave myself goals, feeling a sense of empowerment when I hit them. I did things I never thought I would do and was amazed at how much fun a year could be. The best part of the year was that I never thought with balancing children, work, family and friends, that I would have any time for fun! I certainly proved myself wrong! Often my children, family, friends and co-workers were included! I think 2010 was one of the best years of my life to be honest.

2011 was a year of giving back. I was so grateful to so much in my life, I decided to make 2011 of giving back and helping others achieve there goals. I was a support, I educated, I focused tremedously on raising money for an organization I truly believe in. Also, along the way without going into detail....I 100%, know I made a difference and helped some along their pathway of life:) To give back was not just rewarding, it filled my heart like never before! I did however learn so much about myself. I never realized how far a simple thank you went. To be completely selfless without a reward is one of the most humbling lessons I've ever had to learn. Yes, we all love to help others but sometimes our reward is to say, "hey, look what I did". Not to have the world know, but for at least a few friends to know. My purpose was to help others without a single sole knowing. Again, much harder to do than you would think. But, I did it....not just a few times, but many and let me tell you, the reward to see someone else achieve their goal or dreams is completly undescribable.

Soon after the year started, I suffered a stroke. I could have used recovery, or my many issues when recovering from a stroke as an excuse. But, I remained focused and driven on my New Years resolution. Sure, I have the typical resolutions...stay in shape, diet, ect......I truly value my New Years resolutions. I learned in 2010 how much sticking to them could change my life completly. Well, 2011 was no different. Sticking to my resolution, along with the help of many of you, helped me remain focused and never give up. These New Year resolutions drive me, mold me, test my character and teach me along my journey! With them I have accomplished more in two years than I ever have dreamed of. A focus is what drives me and pushes me to keep plugging along, even when the path gets tough. The ultimate decision on how my path will go is God's plan for me. But, he gave me a level head. He blessed us with free will and the ability to learn, grow and experience life. He blessed us with choices. I can't change what has happened to me but I do see that I have a clean canvas in front of me. Here and there, a drop of paint will splatter on my pretty picture. But, it's up to me to use it as a surprisingly unique splatter or to say my picture is ruined. Many times I know I make the wrong decisions and my first reaction is not the best, but if I step back & realize that every day is a new day and that I can fill it with the right choices, I tend to see things more positively!

So, what it's in store for 2012. Well, as I've learned my life is unpredictable and sometimes overwhelming. So, I'm gonna take all that I can & turn it into a positive. I am going to make this year about focusing on fulfilling my DREAMS. Big and small. I've learned that if you are happy, everything else will fall into place. Some of my dreams are going to more difficult to acheive than others but I'm determined to reach them. Some dreams might be fulfilled by an adventure or challenge. All I know is that why wait for dreams? Why wait and make excuse after excuse to accomplish them. I know that no matter what I do in life, I can always find a reason not to do something.

I've learned throughout my last 2 years that mistakes are ok. They are just stepping stones. Hey, if I didn't fail, then when would I learn anything? They make me learn more about myself and see a better way to achieve my goals in life. Sometimes, even what I thought were failures were actually blessings in disguise. They have actually lead to my greatest achievements. Funny sometimes how things work out. So, as I start taking the steps to fulfilling some of my dreams that I've been making "excuses" for, I will have to continue to remind myself that even if it's a baby step, it's still a step in the right direction. I'll never be 100%, sure I can achieve my dreams, but I can be 100% sure doing nothing won't work. All I know at this point is to go for it! Either I succeed or I learn something. How can I lose?

So, my friends and loved ones as we start a new year, I challenge you this year to find a New Years resolution! A focus that will drive you and inspire you! I promise you your life will never be the same! I hope to follow you and celebrate your life achievements just as you encourage and celebrate mine! Thank you all always for your never ending support and encouragement!!

P.S. Jamie truly misses my adventures & so do I! So, I've added them back in again. Not at the
same pace because remember I have dreams to fulfill but if you have any let us know!

"Back to Basics"

A couple of years ago when I started my blog it initially was to help my family and friends keep up with all that was occurring in my life. Then, it took a few twists and turns. It became a place to vent, cope, inform and encourage. I figured after I told my story I would be done.......well....almost 3 years later....that's obviously not the case. I never realized how much people care and honestly get hurt if I remain silent. I figured those around me would get sick and tired of hearing my never ending medical drama. Maybe that's the case for some. But, I found those who truly cared need me to be open as much I need to. So, today I'm going back to basics, informing you:)

Since my stroke in February, there have been many ups and downs. The second I get ready to inform you I get a curve ball or I am not fully aware myself of what's going on. It was explained by my new neurologist at NRH(in D.C.) that a person can go to many different doctors and get so many different perspectives. You have to go with who you feel fits. At this time "he" fits. He's right!! I have been diagnosed with several different strokes and even the number of them has been confusing?? How could this be? The culprit has been everything from atrial fibrillation, to a specific vessel in my head. Treatment has also ranged from medication to neuro surgery being considered. Thing is, they are all right in many ways. Some of the confusion in that I never realized how complex the head is and depending on the CT/MRI/MRA, technologist, radiologist and physician different varieties of information can occur.

Scary I know....you would think that possibly a distrust in a physician can develop. No way, don't get me wrong they can make a mistake. The thing is a physician has been given this amazing gift of knowledge and education. But, they can only do so much. They also have to trust in others around them. The radiologist, the nurse gathering information, the technician performing the test and lastly they depend on you the patient. Am I a good patient....if you ask them probably not. They aren't in my body and they can't read my mind. They are human just as you or I. Their job is to gather the information and paint the best related picture of what's occurring inside your body. If they have bits and piece and others fail (such as me the patient) it makes their job harder. I tend to want to get the appointment over and if they had asked the question I would give them the answer. It's not their job to do that. But, in my mind I hate to be a bother or it's the plain fact that I have somewhere to be and I just am growing weary of the never ending appointments. I am working on a being a better patient. I found that mostly, my confusing path is due to my complex case. My heart throws a massive curve ball and leads the physician down the path that it can only be heart related. Then, when they don't catch my heart doing what they thought was the culprit we have to hesitate and either wait (just in case it was missed) or rule it out. The best gift God gave us was our "gut instinct" trust it, believe what it says and you will always be right!

So, here is what I DO know. I have had two hemorrhagic strokes and another area of interest. My heart condition is very stable. I was suffering from some small seizures that were very concerning but now are gone. The cause was believed to be the trauma to my head. That was the biggest relief to date :) I have constant changes in blood pressure that can be a factor at times but if I take care of myself it is very well managed. My arrhythmias are just like 25% of the population and are easily managed. My heart pressures rise at times and cause a little build up of fluid but is also easily managed. Diet, exercise, rest and prayers are the key to feeling perfectly normal. Keeping me stress free is vital and hence the constant positivity. Hey, it works more than you could ever imagined. I honestly rarely feel stressed and that's because of an amazing group of people that surround me. I recently had a physician say, "You should be feel so fortunate for each day you wake." I nodded, said they were right, "I am blessed" and then never thought about it again. You can't focus on a perspective. Every day each of us wakes up is a blessing no matter what you are facing. When dealing with something you can't focus on the unknown and let it haunt you. Everyday, I wake up I make it the best it can be. Everyday I try a new coffee flavor, get to know someone who I have never spoken too, ect. Everyday, I thank God for this amazing perspective in life.

As far as my strokes are concern each week it gets better!! Biggest issue when dealing with a stroke as I stated before is not the physical, it's the emotional. You can read more about it in my previous blog if you haven't. I'm getting through with a hiccup here and there. But, it's always just a day here and there when everything seems to pile on top of me. It's only happens when I stretch myself too thin, push myself too hard and allow some of those feelings of "no one understands" slips in. Then I realize I have to put myself first here and there. Hey, we all should do that from time to time. When I'm feeling good it's time to push others around me to take that same time to themselves. It all balances out! As far as no one understanding. No, you don't, but how could you? Just like if someone is going through there personal issues that I have never experienced before. I'm not in their shoes and I don't live their life. But, I do know this that if you take the time to explain to someone how you're feeling, it not only helps them understand, they feel that they helped you in some way. Trust me so many have helped by just listening and even when my stroke signs peak through a friendly joke occurs. I don't mind being corrected when I get confused, being reminded 100 times to do something, being caught as I stumble from time to time, helped down a step, help me open something, asked if I hurt myself when my foot gets lazy, or even filling in the blanks for me when I can't finish a sentence. I don't mind those things because it's a sign that you care! So thank you for caring so much!

One of my major emotional issues I'm dealing with, is that I have this great new gift of life perspective. I want to do so much. I have these amazing dreams that my chronic conditions have made me want to pursue even faster. I hate being told to wait or maybe in the future. My patience isn't what it use to be. I don't wanna wait because I know how each day is a gift and that it can be taken at any time. I sometimes feel a clock is ticking, So, I've had to be happy with "baby steps". What I'm coming to realize is that those baby steps help me dabble in EVERYTHING I want to do. They force me to slow down and not only experience the moment but enjoy it more fully too. Those babies steps that I've been taking have proven to be these amazing "seeds" of so much fulfillment. The "seeds" have put me in a place in life that I could only dream of!

So friends, I hope this blog brings you comfort that I am in an amazing place in life. A place in life that sometimes pushes me down but it makes standing up so much more of an accomplishment.

I hope you all realize that just being there has meant more to me than you could ever imagine. My wish is that you always trust your "inner voice" in life and that it doesn't take a life changing experience for you to start taking those baby steps and planting your own "seeds" in life. Lastly, it doesn't matter what we are going through in life, how hard it is or even when you're told it's unachievable.....anything can be accomplished as long as we believe in ourselves and make that effort. Sometime, it just takes longer to get there.....be sure to enjoy the ride as you go :)

It's only as hard as you make it!

Many many times I have been asked & met with a blank stare. As if the words chronic heart condition, open heart, implant, strokes don't match me the person. I often get questioned a couple of times and then that look of, "your pulling my leg, right". No, I indeed am not. But, again I find it flattering because what do those words and face put together look like? A person has to remember I'm still considered young(YAY) when associated with those words and today's technology is even better than it was 5 years ago. The second question I get is, "How do you deal?" Well, that's a good question because it varies. Mostly, everyone sees the positive because that's what I'm aiming for. If I didn't look for the good in everything where would I be. For awhile I didn't want to talk about it and there are still many things I wish I had the strength to post. It may be assumed that I still am in denial at times. Hey, why not be? I don't wanna think about it all the time. I don't want it to claim my life. I do however talk and post a lot because of the fear I felt when first going through everything. I felt so alone besides turning to God. Yes, he's always there, but sadly he doesn't always talk back or respond as quickly as I'd like him to. So, I need to find it from others whom he put in this life for me. Also, as many of you all know I decided my true purpose is to be an example to my children. I was put on this earth for them and I hope that they remember me as the greatest mother they could have ever imagined.


I still understand the curiosity that many have over what my issues & fears are. Interesting enough as soon as I became vocal I found many in similar situations. So, how do I cope and deal? Well I could give you a long list of issues and what medications I take but I'll save you from the drama. If you truly would like to know feel free to ask. My life is becoming an open book:)


So, I will say of all the issues hardest to cope with it would be the emotional ones. The mind is a powerful gift. As with anything hard in life we do get down. So, I've encountered frustration. So much more in the beginning. I've dealt with losing my old self. Sadness because I couldn't do what I wanted and feeling trapped to take medications I just down right hate! It goes against my nature. They open the doors to many fears of long term effects. I'm sad that my husband has to call me ever hour to see if I'm not out on the floor. I feel a burden at times because I just can't feel good enough to do something. Lastly, there are fears.....and many of them. Will this happen again? Will they ever find the true cause of all my strokes? Will I keep getting worse? I'm scared to drive with my children and I'm scared to be in large places because what would happen if I passed out? I was scared for a long time to hold a conversation because I'd sound silly. I'm scared that I won't wake up in the morning and I'll leave my children with a horrible memory. If you were to read the odds, my heart condition is against me, my strokes are against me......so what do I do? I PRAY!! I FIGHT!! I live my life like there will be no tomorrow. I realize that I could be the healthiest of all of you and still have a tragic event happened to me next week. We don't have control, we don't know our outcomes and I can't focus on the fears because that would consume me. I deal with knowing I am thankful for today! That I was given life despite the odds. That I have a purpose and can achieve it. I deal with knowing that each day I'm on this earth I can make a difference!

"Letting Jesus Take my Wheel"

I was going to start my blog with all the many updates that are occurring in my life. I've had quite a few hiccups and Dax has us worried to death lately. But, then I realized something....do I have control? Yes, I have choices but do I really have the ultimate control? Can I change the ultimate outcome? No.....if you have faith then you'd realize you aren't the driver. I often have to let go of my wheel and allow my faith and trust in Jesus to take over. Therefore, I want to start with a story.....

A few weeks ago, I had a patient. As always, it's an emergency and we try to maintain our composure as best as possible in urgent cases. Everyone knew their part and performed their tasks, as if we were in a uniformed dance. The patient was quickly placed on a breathing machine and remained purposefully sedated. As with all my patients, sedated or not, I tend to easily touch them and sometimes even talk to them. In this case, I was doing both as the room cleared. The patient was stable and it was time for many to tend to all the other emergencies occurring. As the room cleared, I saw a man sitting about four feet away at the end of the bed. Someone had gotten him a chair and he was sitting.....watching me. He never said a word and from time to time he put his head down. He appeared to be in his mid forties. I continued doing what I was doing and finished up within another 30minutes. He still sat quietly, never saying a word. When I finished I pulled up a chair next to him. I introduced myself and asked him his name and relation. The patient was his wife. We chatted a few minutes. I tried to make him comfortable by asking him a few questions as if you would a first meeting and then told him a little bit about myself. I eased in the hard truths about his wife and that although very sick she would be o.k. He asked many questions and I answered. I'd leave and come back and ask if he had more. Soon, it was time for me to go and I was fortunate to take care of her another day that week. A couple of weeks passed and as I was rounding a corner the husband yells out my name from down the hall. I walk up to him and immediately he starts to cry. "Anne, I have been looking for you for days." Each day describing you.....then he stops.....he hugs me and says "Anne, I heard your story & how can something so horrible happen to someone like you?" "You touched my life, I told my wife about you, you have to meet her now that she's awake!" "You made such a difference in our lives and I will never forget you!"As he leads my arm to her he says,"I never met someone so full of life & full of compassion for others!" The husband again says, "How can a person be so happy when they have had such difficulties in their life." I answered with a smile and said, "What you don't understand, it's because of these difficulties I now am who I am." I learned more compassion because I was that patient. I learned the power of touch because I know what's it's like to need it so desperately. I learned to trust in a complete stranger just because of a touch or friendly face. I learned that I'm not the driver.......someone much more powerful than me is. I have learned to accept what he gives me, not ask too many questions, and try to make the best out of each challenge he ask of me.

So, is my life so bad after all? No way! There are days where I just find it too difficult to get out of bed. There are days that I'm fearful as a symptom starts to present itself. Many days I struggle with frustration from my stroke. Thinking no one understands. Those struggles make all the good days that much better. They help me realize what I am fighting for. I'm fighting for those patient's lives I still have to impact. I'm fighting to create awareness. I'm trying to show many, that no matter what you're faced with you can still make a difference and win a battle. It might not be a battle we asked for, nor an easy one. But, it can still give you a purpose in life & positively change the outcome of many others. I was put on this earth for a reason. I might have one main purpose or many. But, what I will tell you is this.....I was put here to make a difference. It might seem so small at the time but watch out, I have seen first hand how the strategic placement of each one of us has created a huge impact on many. If my only purpose was to change my children's lives that's good enough for me.

For each new bump that has occurred it has only made me want to achieve more & to fight harder. In the past three months I have helped make a well deserving little girl smile & feel a purpose. I have raised awareness to hundreds by just telling my story and Dax's. I have held two hands as a person passed because their family wasn't able to be present. I have raised money to save many future lives. I have made the very sick smile for a moment and forget their bad day. I have given a person hope because they see what I have gone through and feel they can do the same. Yes, you are seeing many "I" but what is amazing about that is my "I" are because of so many. So many who pushed me through hard days. So many who support and believe what I'm fighting for. So many who took the time to help me with just a kind word of encouragement. So thank you all.....I'm just amazed at what "We" all have done! Thank you Jesus for driving over the many bumps that have allowed me to view the world so differently!

Wow.....It's Been A Year Already!

I have always wondered why I have had to face so many obstacles in this life. I truly believe there is a reason for everything. With 100% certainly I believe I have endured everything that I have in order to face Dax's heart issues. If you ask anyone in my life or at work I'm the one who rarely sheds a tear and who is always collected even in the saddest situations/moments in life. I always hear how strong I am. Well, they haven't seen me when it comes to my children. I'm the first to shed a tear during a special moment, I'm the first to panic when something bad happens. For instance, I've seen decapitated bodies numerous times....but, Mya bites her tongue and I fall to my knees at the sight of blood coming from her mouth. I was told I needed open heart and I was perfectly fine with that. But, my kids need their tonsils out and I think it's the end of the world. I honestly, don't think I could have handled Dax's condition if I hadn't faced it myself. My experience has given me the comfort to trust that he will be o.k. no matter what he has to face.
Everyday for almost a year I have thought about Dax's yearly appointment. At first putting it far in the back of my head, pretending it was all just a dream. I last left off feeling so confused about the path to take with him. If surgery was needed J and I were not in complete agreement. I think it's important to be on the same page. Neither one of us wanting to be the leader in case it was the wrong choice. Dax's ASD was right on the marker needing to be surgically closed. By school age if it were to close it should have by now. The good thing is that it would be an elective surgery in a sense to prevent him from future heart issues like myself. We decided, since we didn't know what path his ASD was taking, to give him one year of sports and growth.
Over this past year we have watched Dax like a hawk. He only had one episode of palpitations, a few over heated events and a couple shortness of breath episodes. Although, is it because he is just so small and trying to keep up? He's a tough cookie for sure and never stops.
The week of Dax's appointment I was full of many thoughts. J deals with me so well. He knows what I'm thinking without me even saying a word. I know first hand that our lives can be changed with just one doctor's appointment. I mostly am fearful of having too many choices. Will we chose the wrong path for him? Is this doctor wrong? Is there someone better out there for him? Ugh...... I prayed every second I could.
We enter the hospital and I couldn't sit. J distracts the kids with ipods and hugs. When I finally sit because of the 1 hour and 30minute wait, my tremoring starts. Thank goodness for J's crazy humor. He truly is my gift in life. As they call us back we are all laughing hysterically.
Dax plops in the bed and means business. He knows what he is there for and wants it done and over with. An EKG is done and J's eyes raise up looking at me. He wanted to know if it looked o.k. It does....shew! I smile back. The doctor walks in so seriously. J looks him over and I just have to laugh. I knew exactly what he was doing. He is so fascinated with the different personalities and always after an appointment he tends to imitate each Doctor. Dr. R does Dax's physical exam without saying a word. Zero interaction with Dax. His bedside manner truly lacks but, that's not what we are there for. I view it as Dr. R seeing this is a serious moment and he knows we want him to get to the point. Dr. R states, "Let's hook him up and take a look." Dax lays back without a word and an echo is performed. The six of us in the room hold our breath. The silence is like none other. I immediately see the shunting from the ASD and grab J's shirt in fear. He looks at me. Funny, I think he has learned to trust my opinion before anyone else's. I was praying, I take a harder look and then I whisper..."it looks the same". To see shunting of blood cross where it isn't suppose too rocks me to my core. I don't care how big it is. I know it's not natural and it sends flashbacks of myself. My eyes start to swell a little. But, I take a look at my son who's smiling from ear to ear and I take a big breath. I wait for Dr. R to confirm. He indeed agrees it is the same size. Within a second I realize that it could be much worse. It could have grown. But, it didn't. As a family we didn't know what to do. We held our reactions to ourselves and asked a few questions. We decided to continue to watch Dax and monitor him. Statistics show that by teenage years he will have to have something done. He has a 70% chance of developing pulmonary hypertension by age 40 and an even greater chance of developing valve issues even sooner. Each decade that an ASD is left untreated, it is said that it almost can double in size. We are also concerned about the chance of stroke in the future. Our theory is that his ASD is on the smaller size and we are not happy with what the choices to treat him are. If we can wait even a year to treat him we will take it!! I personally am hoping for the next rising technology. There is a possibility of a cauterization type procedure that can basically close an ASD with a probe and radioactivity. Or even, closing it with a patch made from Dax's own skin cells. Our greatest gift in all this is that we have TIME!
We didn't really celebrate on the way home. We were quiet at first. I said
a few silent prayers and I could see J's face of deep thought. We almost spontaneously turned to each other and started to count off the many things we were grateful for. Thankful for all the positives of Dax's present ASD. We are thankful for the gift of knowing. That he won't be that teenage football player that collapses. We are thankful that we are more knowledgeable and have the ability to weigh our options. We are thankful that medical technology is advancing everyday. We are thankful that God has blessed us with the most amazing little boy who brightens our everyday!

"No matter how you feel, dress up and show up for life"

I use to think that a special dress, the nice sheets, the good drinking glasses and the scented candles were just for those special occasions. I would wait and wait for just the right moment. Although, most of the time I found I soon would out grow the dresses, I liked another candle scent and when I did have someone over they drank from plastic cups. I don't know what I was waiting for really and through my life's journey I realized that every day is a special occasion. Life's too short to waste doing anything boring or joyless. So, I now am blogging while drinking from that expensive glass, while wearing my cutest dress and burning my newest scented candle:)
I have held off for a little while waiting to post. Primarily because so much has happened that I didn't know where to begin. I was nervous to update because it's hard to post when I didn't have at least some answers for you. So, where to begin & how?
Since my stroke in February it has been a world wind of How, When and Why? In February I discovered I had two strokes. One ischemic and the other appearing hemorragic. Odd thing is they were in two totally different parts of the brain. One on the left front and the other in the right posterior of the brain. One I looked back and saw the symptoms but no major residuals and the other affecting my entire left side. I have since recovered 99%. Pretty amazing if you ask me:) It was a scary time wondering if the damage was permanent or temporary. I had many runs where I wobbled and many many frustrating obstacles with my left hand. I tried to adapt as best I could and to be honest it was more difficult than I ever let onto. My neurologist is a saint and had to repeat and remind me many times, "Anne, you have had a couple of strokes" "It is o.k. you are feeling this way, it is o.k. to be frustrated." In reply, I would say, "Real strokes....can you repeat that"? I was in denial I guess. Or maybe I just didn't want to play the result I was given. Funny, when I tell people they give me the, "she's pulling my leg look". In a way that's a compliment to me. I'll take it. I've never been much for playing the result, I go with how I feel...not what a piece of paper says.
Anyway, while trying to narrow down our plan I had another curve ball in mid April. Wait for it......ANOTHER bleed! This time in the right middle to posterior brain. That wasn't something expected. But, by now I should learn that "nothing isn't possible". That saying works many ways. If given a bad outcome I just want to know that's it's possible that I can conquer it. Because, odds are I'm gonna! I do get fearful. Many mornings as I opened my eyes I prayed out loud, "thank you Lord for allowing me another day". But, give me time and I start my game plan of concurring my next battle.
My neurologist called me and explained the situation with great concern. You could hear the difficulty of telling me in her voice. The concern of how I would take it. My first reply...."Does that mean I can't go on any roller coasters for awhile?" I think I threw her off guard for a second. I wasn't being funny and she could tell that in my voice. It was a serious question. You see my son and I were talking about our summer plans and his goal was to ride the largest roller coaster in the world. I told him we'll work our way up to it. When Dr. Y gathered her thoughts she said, "We'll ,make that happen!" You see she pushes me because I am not an 80 year old stroke patient. I am 33 and not many have been in my path. She sees that I need to make my rules but just remain cautious. To me that perspective from her makes all the difference in the world! If I was given the choice of, 2 years of an amazing life full of joy or 10 years of a long drawn out illness filled with fear and becoming someone I'm not. I'd hands down choose the 2 years!! All my doctors know that and respect that. What an amazing group of physicians that I have surrounding me.
We spent the next couple of months figuring out if the bleeds from hemorrhages were from brain vessels rupturing or just residual clots that my heart was throwing. I wore a special heart monitor for over a month called a loop monitor. Once the results were in I was found to be having electrical issues along with some valve issues. Some ventricle and atrial abnormalities were present. The most concerning was atrial fibrillation. Atrial fibrillation is treated several ways but mostly I would need to be on a blood thinner such as coumadin. It was agreed I would have to wait until my bleeds resolved to be 100% assured they were from the heart. Mostly clots from the heart turn into ischemic(dead tissue) and do not appear in the form of blood. I was to have another MRI in the following weeks to see where we stood. With the new bleed, some complications arouse but have since resolved.
I went for my follow up MRI a couple of weeks ago full of nerves. I had been very insistent on holding off on the blood thinners as I had in the beginning and I was fearful my choice could lead me in the wrong direction. But, as always, I go with my gut instinct. I firmly believe that when something occurs to our body, we need to allow it time to heal itself. Also, I believe in the power of prayer. If my MRI was bad I would be headed on a new journey. So.....I waited hoping and praying. It was GOOD!!!! No new bleeds, and in fact all the bleeds had turned to ischemic injury but the left front. The left has greatly improved and is so very minimal. FINALLY....I could breath! The power of the mind and prayer had amazed me yet again!
So, what's next? Well, we're working on that. The thing is that even despite the fact of all these obstacles I believe in miracles. I've seen them first hand in many ways! If you want to see one in your own life just walk outside or look at your children. Although, sometimes miracles come in odd packaging wrapped like big mistakes. The secret is to find the miracle in the mess. My health issues on the outside overwhelm many. I could say enough is enough! But, I choose to find the miracle! The miracle is that no matter what, I'm here and have beaten every odd handed to me. Along my journey I have been blessed in more ways than I could ever imagine. I have been given the gift to see "life" in a completely different way than many others. I've not just been given life but I'm living it to the fullest. My obstacles give me my next challenge in a way. God has never given me more than I could carry. Sometimes, when I feel my load has reach it's maximum level, I still realize the many gifts I have been given. I never compared my life to others, because I have no idea of what journey they have gone through. My life might not have come with a big bow on it, but it's still a gift. With each new journey I face in this life I will still NEVER play the result just because it's expected. I will live my life with no regrets, focusing on the little things in life. There is so much living that can be squeezed out of one single day! While in that single day I'll be the one showing up for it in my best dress, never waiting for that special moment because today is special enough!

ShoreWoman

So, how about this saying..."For every bad thing that happens in life so does something good." The many twists and turns that my life has taken me has been nothing short of...well interesting. Seems, time and time again I keep getting road blocks. Everybody has them, mine are just medical in nature. Haven't we all said, "when will I ever win"? I find myself saying that a lot lately. Seems every week there is something new I have to face. This week has been no different. My path will lead me to another inevitable trip to John Hopkins; this time meeting with unfamiliar territory. The neuro floor.....and the surprises it may bring. I have decided after a long talk with my neurologist and cardiologist that I need to be a better patient. I was so frightened to become a victim that it was hindering my care. I just was afraid to open my mouth because one word triggers an over abundance of tests. It is becoming a full time job. I'm kinda tired of hearing about my health....aren't you!! I wanna talk about the weather and my kids. Not, "What did the doctor say?" But, I now truly know it's because of such caring people around me. I also learned that I can't run from this. This is who I am...it's part of me. Does it have to consume me..."No". I can make this anything I want to. It's all about how you view the situation I always say. I look at my situation in the following light. I am a girl who has two beautiful children, a very sweet hubby, a wonderful family and friends. I have a job I love and a passion for photography that truly fulfills me. Oh, and I just so happen to have had multiple heart surgeries/procedures, a stroke or two, and what ever else happens. Because of who I am and what I've gone through I have affected a life, I have related to that scared patient, I have a new found perspective and I have been able to reach so many others and educate them through a little article known as "ShoreWoman". So today, one day from having my 2nd year heart anniversary I can truly say from every bad thing that happens in life....something good can come from it:)

How did I end up in ShoreWoman? Well, I think just from word of mouth. My friend Jan G. Whom I love dearly, tried to get a story placed in our hospital's personal newsletter for Heart Awareness month last year and it kinda spiraled from there. At first I actually declined. I was afraid the article would be over dramatized or not serve a purpose. As open as I am, I haven't always been in fear as I've stated my illness would consume my life. But, It has been helpful to my family and friends. Actually, all the feedback from my blog and on facebook always inspires me to keep fighting. Hopefully, people will take from the article that anything can happen at any age and that no matter what anything is achievable in life!! So here it is:

"I have zero fears now. I have a great sense of fulfillment."
Article written by:Marilyn Buerkle

After a medical journey that culminated with two surgeries for a rare heart condition, Anne Donaway has a new outlook on life.

Donaway will celebrate her second birthday this month. Chronologically Donaway is 33 years old, but April 9th marks the second anniversary of her last open heart surgery. She describes it as the beginning of her new life. Growing up in Sussex County, Donaway had no hint that she had been born with a hidden abnormality in her heart. She was a Cheerleader as a teenager, and she remained physically active as an adult. A husband and two small children kept her plenty busy; she was also a respiratory therapist at a local hospital, and she still made time to jog several times a week.

A beautiful young woman with a dazzling smile, Donaway has always had a positive attitude. She didn't want to worry her family and friends when she started to have occasional dizzy spells or periodically had trouble catching her breath. After all, as a health care professional, she saw sick people every day, and she'd know if she were really sick. She kept her symptoms to herself. "You see so many people who are worse than you that your situation is minimal," She said. Eventually Donaway had to admit there was something wrong. In August 2008, she finally went to a doctor for help. The physician she saw chalked up her exhaustion to anxiety--typical he said, for a working mother with young children.

She didn't believe him, but she hoped he was right. Her symptoms got worse. Her friends were getting worried.

Lyndsey Feather and Donaway have been close friends since they met in an orientation session when they started their jobs at Atlantic General Hospital in Berlin. "Anne is one of the brightest, sweetest, most sincere people I have ever met, " Feather said. "I watched her go through this process. She was definitely not feeling right, but she was able to justify it anyway." Over a period of months, Donaway's condition deteriorated, but she never missed a day at work. It was a nurse at AGH, watching Donaway struggle to do her job, who finally insisted that she see Jeffery Etherton, a local cardiologist. "It didn't take a rocket scientist to see there was a problem; it wasn't in her mind, "Etherton said. Donaway was ecstatic to find a doctor who finally believed there was something physically wrong, even if he wasn't sure what was causing the problem.

"It is so important to find a doctor who listens and understands,"she said. Etherton admitted Donaway to the hospital and ordered several days of extensive testing. After that, he recommended she see a team of experts at Johns Hopkins Hospital. That's where she learned there was a hole between the upper chambers of her heart, keeping more and more blood from traveling through her lungs, starving her of oxygen. Donaway jokes now that her reluctance to seek medical help was a byproduct of her illness. "Obviously I wasn't thinking right. I wasn't getting oxygen to my brain!"

Her condition was very rare. Etherton calls it "a very sneaky problem." The hole in her heart was disquised by a flap of skin and her problems were more severe when she was upright;many of her earlier tests had been conducted while she was lying down. It was clear that she would need surgery. Donaway and her husband, Jamie, had to make a decision. She could have open heart surgery to repair her heart, or she could try a less invasive procedure which would robotically maneuver a fabric-like patch called a cardio seal device over the hole. They opted for the patch. It didn't work, but that wasn't clear for months. The doctors wouldn't discover until much later that the patch had inexplicably become dislodged. In fact, the prongs that should have secured it came dangerously close to piercing her heart. For six months, Donaway continued to suffer, thinking mistakenly that tissue growth around the patch would eventually make her feel better. What should have been a period of recuperation was, instead, filled with more frightening symptoms.

Feather was with Donaway when she suffered one of several T.I.A., or mini-strokes, she would endure; this one left her blind for several minutes. We've got to do something, " Feather told her friend. It was time to face the prospect of open heart surgery. It was a risky procedure for someone whose heart had already been through so much. "The key is to overcome fear," Donaway said. She drew on her faith in God and the support of family and friends.

In April 2009, she was back in an operating room at John Hopkins. It was a six-hour procedure; her heart was bypassed for more than 40 minutes. Everyone believed once she had survived that, the worst was over. They were wrong. Doctors still don't know why, just hours after surgery, Donaway began to bleed internally. She was slipping away. But she wrote in a blog posting, months later, that despite the medical chaos around her, she knew she would survive. She felt that God was with her. Donaway was rushed back to the operating room for her second open-heart surgery in less than 24 hours. Surgeons were able to stabilize her condition.

It was, as she describes it, the beginning of her new life. There are plenty of lessons to learn from this dramatic tale: Don't suffer in silence, listen to your gut, get a second opinion.

But it is simply one chapter in Anne Donaway's dramatic life story. Her pain leading up to two open-heart surgeries is overshadowed by the determination that followed. "It is a testimony to her strength and her mindset," Feather said. "She was not going to let this derail her plans for her life." So, in December 2009, as Feather and Donaway started to think about resolutions for the new year, Donaway decided to make 2010 her "year of adventure." She laid out a plan to try new things, to live her life to the fullest. "I wanted to show my kids that I was down, but look at how strong I am. You can't keep me down," she said. Donaway proved it by flying a plane, competing in a 5K "mudrun," learning to shoot a rifle, kayaking, glass blowing, beekeeping, even riding a mechanical bull. She also used her new gift of life to help others. She became actively involved in charity fundraisers and she took time to share her journey of faith with local church groups. "I have zero fears now," Donaway said. "I have such a great sense of fulfillment....I know my kids see me as happy and strong." Her positive attitude has a positive impact on everyone around her.

"She had a brush with death.....She knows how important it is to spend time with your family and to help other people," Etherton said. "She's definitely a special person. No matter what, she's always positive, always upbeat, constantly trying to find ways to help other people."

As many who survive life-threatening situations do, Donaway has struggled with her purpose in life. Why was she saved in that second emergency? She found an answer last August. That's when she had her children's hearts checked, just in case. The test revealed a small hole in her 6-year old son Dax's heart. "I firmly believe that's why I'm here," she said. "I've been through the worst of the worst, and now I can help him." Dax is an active little boy who plays soccer and has performed with a local theater troupe. His heart defect has been caught early and that will make a difference. There is time for his parents to consider his options. It's possible that improvements in medical technology will expand his choices. What's clear is that he won't be alone. "She's prepared more than any other mother I know to go through this," Feather said. "Because she lived it."