A What? No Way!

There is a saying that goes like this, "God does not give us more than we can handle." I have thought about that statement many times over the past couple of years. Trust me, I'm not any stronger than anyone else. So, why has he chosen to keep piling more obstacles on top of my already battered body? Is it a test? Hummmm...a challenge? I had finally come to terms with the fact that I went through all I did in order for me to deal with Dax's issues and to be given the knowledge to help fight for his proper care. Now another challenge has presented itself. So, the story goes like this......

Since my open heart I've had a few battles. Sometimes an accumulation of extra fluid around my heart which is managed by a drug called lasix. Most of the time it's due to an overworked heart. Other times I deal with an insanely low blood pressure. I'll start feeling run down and get myself in a spiral that normally will resolve itself in about 2 days. Well, last week was just like any other hiccup. I had been battling low blood pressure 70s-80s for about 3 days. A little longer than I had before. I was exhausted and to even get up to get a drink was tiring. I used any reserved energy to tend to my children's needs. It was about 6:15pm in the evening and I told Jamie I just needed a bath. I ached all over and I felt as if I were coming down with the flu. A little lightheaded and just feeling miserable. All of my normal symptoms of a drastically low blood pressure. I made the major mistake of not taking it before I got into the tub. My only focus was to get some sort of comfort. After about 5 minutes in the tub, I noticed my arm felt numb. At first I thought...Wow, the water must be too hot. Within the next minute I realized it was only my left side. I made the possibly life saving decision to climb out. I calmly called to Jamie and said I wasn't feeling right. Within minutes my whole left side went completely numb(almost painful in sensation). I had no control. Talk about mind blowing. I called a friend and discussed what to do. Within 30min with no improvement we were out the door. You might ask, Why so long? Well, partly to have someone watch the kids and I was in denial thinking it would pass. When I entered the hospital I was able to drag myself in. One look at me and they had no question what it was. Everyone was wonderful and the care was spectacular!! I was told I was having a Stroke. I knew what it was but my ears didn't want to hear it. I'm 33 years old. I've had everything in the moon it seems happen to me and now this. No way!! 33year old women don't have open hearts let alone strokes too! The doctor talked about what to expect and as I was calmly asking questions the tears started to run. I put my head down and prayed after he left. Although, extremely disappointed, I still had that unshakable feeling that HE would take care of me. Slowly, as the evening progressed my foot, face, and some arm motion came back. I was praying I had suffered a mini stroke(TIA) only time would tell. Typically, a three to four day stay is expected. I got away with a two and a half days. I battled a few bouts of a significantly low blood pressure that required fluids. I was very hesitant to allow any medications to be started. I had been down that road before. Drips, IVs, oral medications. Sadly, my body needs to work itself out. I'm a firm believer in not over medicating. I will take what I am required but very minimal. I investigate every drug that is placed in my body. Two echos were performed to check the integrity of my implant. They appeared normal. But, an echo can only tell so much. Also, a CT was taken and came back clear but my MRI had not. It appears I had some optic nerve damage and some ischemic(dead tissue) injury to the back of the brain. There is also a patch within the ischemic injury that appears to have been bleeding. My stroke either stemmed from a blood clot from my implant or an even rarer stroke cause by a severely low blood pressure. Because my implant was placed at John Hopkins it was decided that it would be best for them to take a look there. By the time I was discharged my hand had not improved. At times my foot is still dropping and I still am having difficulty using my left hand. But, with each passing day both my hand and foot have improved drastically.

So, the questions have been flooding in to me. Mostly, how am I feeling....am I scared....what are my limitations..and what am I doing to prevent future strokes? Well, shockingly I feel just like normal. My only issues I have are frustration at times which tire me mentally. I've lost my keys more in 5minutes than I had all year yesterday. I watched my coffee maker pour coffee onto the counter because I forgot the cup. I hate asking for help. Sorry, that's how I am. My spirit has mostly been great. But, I am having one issue. If one hasn't noticed I live life quite a bit differently than most. In order to deal with a chronic illness I have to live day to day. I have to live life to the fullest and never allow negativity into my life. I never sweat the small stuff. I am a firm believer that I'd rather have 5 great years than 20 boring/bubbled years. Only HE knows when my time is up. If it's going to happen it will happen no matter what I do to try and stop it. So, why not live it up? I am a STRONG believer in the power of the mind and it's abilities. Have you ever heard the stories about cancer victims who had cancer for years without knowing it and then they were told they had cancer. Two weeks later they are dead. I believe that's because they gave in and allowed the cancer to consume them. Sorry, if my beliefs are hard to understand. But, I have to be true to myself. I will NOT become a victim of heart disease or a stroke! So, for those of you who are struggling with this. I know you are trying to protect me and because you don't know how else to help me you want to place me in a bubble and shield me. I've had so many call me crazy, stubborn or thinking I'm in denial. But, I assure you I am NOT. I need to have a crazy life filled with challenges of my abilities. I need that to heal and to cope so that I don't become that victim. I have faced so many challenges that many would have given in on the first round. So, if your scared or concerned just sweetly tell me...hug me. Tell me you love me and I will listen I promise.

Am I scared? Yes and No. At times Yes, out of my mind. But, that's short lived. Again, I have trust in HIM. I have to trust since we all don't know when is our time is up..I am no different.

My limitations...well for now I have been placed on no traveling or exercise until Monday. At which time I will be getting test done to further investigate what happened. Since there was blood seen on my brain we have to be sure I don't reactivate it or break another clot free. As far as my hand. I have done aggressive physical therapy at home. Thankfully, to some PT friends who have helped me out without actually having to go in for PT.

As far as future strokes. Well, I'm always at risk because of my heart history and previous strokes. I was placed on blood thinners to keep my blood running smoothly but have temporarily been taken off of them until Monday. So, all I can do is pray like crazy and if a stroke does happen anytime in the future know the signs and get help right away.

I hope this has helped for all those wonderful people in my life who are so very concerned. I'm up walking and look normal. I'll joke about what happened and am very comfortable to answer any questions. Lastly, am I frustrated with God or upset this happened to me?? Nope! I love him more than ever and I trust that I'll one day find the real reason why this happened to me. Until then....I'm gonna live it up and SORRY you can't stop me. But, please have faith in me that I am not careless or irresponsible with my life. I just want to show my children that no matter what obstacle they are given in life they have the power to overcome it!