My new February

February 2008.....it was just another month. One that was cold but filled with that one special day. Valentine's day! I've always been know in my family to cheese it out. I love to make all those homemade gifts.....you name it I've done it! Most days you'd find me either working, running, taking care of my kids or being completely OCD in my cleaning methods. It was so bad I'd even get on my hands/knees and hand wipe our trim or hand clean our floors weekly. I wanted this perfect picture of life. I never accepted help because I thought it meant failure. To even ask Jamie to help with the kids I thought meant I wasn't a great Mom. Plus, no one can care for my family like I can. I had wonderful friends but, was so caught up with family life, that I barely made time for them. I made no time for myself! I had no passions or even hobbies. I followed the rules of life per say and was quieter and more serious. Everything was scheduled and we had a perfect routine. Even dinner was at the exact same time everyday. I focused more on my reputation rather than knowing my character is what's most important.

February 2012.....who was that girl?? No, February is not just another month!!! It's a beautiful month. A month that isn't just filled with that one special day but 29 special days! It's a month that shows my family hope, beauty and it reminds me that no matter what is thrown my way, I can overcome it! February is a month that reminds me of how drastically my life has changed. I am open and graciously ask for help. My kids, I find love me even more. My husband whom I thought wanted that picture perfect family.....well....you can ask him:) But, I think he'd tell you life truly is so much fun! I'm a better friend, I'm there night & day for them. I make time for my passions and myself! I am sometimes viewed as slightly scattered because I don't think much about tomorrow, I'm too focused on today:) I now have amazing passions & to be honest I've never felt so fulfilled. That fulfillment has led to seeing the glass always full no matter what my day. Which, in turn brings a smile to my everyday. You see, things are going to happen. Good, bad whatever....they are going to happen! So, why make them worse by dwelling on it? It can be so much better by choosing to just smile. I've also realized that my reputation is just what someone thinks of me in that moment, based on what they heard or that they quickly only hear parts of. I've realized that as long as I have a genuinely good character and care, the rest will shine through. If it's doesn't I'm sorry that, that person didn't take the time to learn more about me....because I truly feel that I can never have enough people in my life. So many of you were placed in my life for some reason and I would be so grateful if you even let me into your life just for a moment.

How did I get to this place in life? How does a person go from thinking her most important job in life is to maintain a perfect picture to finding the simplest joy in taking a walk? Well, it didn't happen over night. Often times I had to hit a bottom before I could start my climb. Many of you have seen it from time to time but my bottoms are shorter and shorter. I think my biggest lesson was not only to accept help but to realize in life we can't do it alone. Honestly, I believe it's impossible to do it alone.

When first diagnosed I shut down, "no one can understand I said!" I put a heavy burden on myself......I did it all. Jamie would come home & there I'd be vacuuming(not taking care of myself) & blue as blue could be. I still remember the look on his face as he unexpectedly came home one day. I had never seen fear until that day! He yelled, "What are you doing!" He said a few other choice words that I needed to hear. What was I doing?? But, I didn't know another way. I thought that when you become a mother you put everyone else first! My thinking was that in order to be a good wife and mother I couldn't ever slip up. Everything had to be perfect. Some of you can relate and maybe others think I was crazy. But that was my reality. Soon, I slowly but surly believed Jamie as he told me I was still a good wife by not having everything in the house done or dinner made. I soon saw that even Jamie couldn't do it alone and started accepting help from family and friends. I not only needed their help with the house and kids, but I needed their relationships in my life. I needed their ears, hugs and words. You see, I owe my whole outlook to YOU!! Yes, each of you!! Each comment that you thought was little, each hug that you thought was just a hug. Even a SMILE. Because that smile meant for that second you cared. Your words that you thought were just words....got me through to the next minute when I didn't think I could go another one.

This month I have heard several times "I" am inspiring. But,....I am really no different than you. "I" am not the one who is inspiring. It is "YOU", without a doubt. When I asked for "Go RED" pictures. I could not do it alone. It was "YOU" who came to my rescue and helped. I received over 220 pictures! Is that unbelievable or what!! From those pictures and from the video that was created I was contacted by several of those affected by heart disease and who just don't know how to cope. They were inspired and felt hope. That wasn't because of me....all I did was put together a video and post your pictures.

So, I hope that you all realize that I have gotten to this amazing place in life because of YOU. I am grateful beyond words. So, thank you for teaching me to dance in the rain, that a hug is not a hug, for listening when I break out in song even when I can't sing, to dance instead of walk, to see that one patch of green grass when the rest in brown, to feel the music & turn it up loud, that a day can be much more than a day, to focus only on what matters, to wash away clutter, that the simple things in life are the most rewarding, that I can get through anything life brings, & to simply never take life to seriously:)

Thank you for this February........and the many more AMAZING Februarys to come!!