Happy New Year!!

Although a whole year has not pasted since open heart, it is in fact a new year. I was shocked that I was so overwhelmed. 2008/2009 were so difficult that it was just another reminder of a new me...a new start! So, what will I do with my new healthy year? Well, I have the typical New Years resolutions such as get in better shape, grow stronger in faith, and be a better all around person. But, as you can imagine I see my life in a different perspective. I believed that previously I never took life for granted. I saw death on almost a weekly basis....so I knew how precious life could be. Yes, maybe I did realize the importance of family, friends and moments more than others. But, something changes you beyond words when you are traumatized with an illness or near death experience.
I have decided to finally share a moment when my life changed like no other. Up until this point I know I have been quite open and candid. But, I have had to personally deal with a particular moment that was not only frightening it was...well there's no other word but traumatizing. Of course a person might think it was the misdiagnosis, 3 heart surgeries, being evaluated for lung/heart transplant,TIAs, or a possibility of an aortic tear that might of gotten me. No, I remained stronger than I could have ever imagined myself during those moments. My moment was after my second open heart.....I was lying there about 2 am in pain, on a ventilator, not being able to speak. I had just been shocked and my heart rate was 30(in a junctional rhythm) not perfusing. My nurse called a staff emergency due to my heart rate and blood pressure(50/40). Yes, it is possible and still be alive. I honestly can say that in the 11years of my medical background I have never seen it. But, never the less I was awake and knew what was next. I was on an epinephrine drip(to increase my heart rate), blood pressure medications ect. A team presented at the end of my bed. Two physicians, a nurse and a nurse practitioner. They had the operating MD on the line. They couldn't figure out what to do. More fluids? I was already up 55lbs which was putting alot of strain on my heart and kidneys. I was maxed out on drips. I heard one of them say, "I'm honestly baffled!" "What", I'm at one of the leading hospitals in the U.S. and your baffled!! They debated about going to the OR a third time. They decided to start continuously pacing me. Not the sweet pacemaker shocks(I wish) but the kind that rips though your body. I was shocked every 20 seconds. I was smart enough to know that possibly this would be my last few hours in this world. I was frightened and felt completely alone. I had to get out of my body one way or another...the pain was like no other. Was this finally how it would all end? I went through all of this and fought for myself and for my children.....for what to die alone? I wouldn't ever get the chance to say goodbye or hold them again. I had to find comfort somehow. I started to flashback on my life. I reflected on the faces of my children, Jamie, my family and friends. I relived the birth of my children, and my wedding day. I imagined what my funeral would be and look like. I wondered what people would say about me. Then when I was finished I started to pray. I prayed not to live because I knew that was beyond my control. But, I prayed for God to allow my last thoughts to be of him and my family. I prayed for peace and comfort to be brought to my family. Lastly, I prayed not to feel alone. At that moment I felt warmth throughout my body. I felt a comfort like no other. I was not alone nor would I ever be! As the team was still baffled on what to do, I knew without a doubt I was going to be o.k. I signaled a thumbs up. The nurse explained, "I think she's alert and understands." One of the Doctors said. "impossible!" My nurse said, "Anne do you understand what's going on?" I nodded, "Yes." Again, I put my thumb up. The nurse grabbed my arm and said, "I can't believe this! Don't worry I will not leave your side. I will be with you every moment." With that I must have passed out do to shock.
Due to that experience I will never be the same. I realized the importance of a human touch. I understood the power of prayer and God's presence. I realized how cluttered my life was of meaningless things. I realized I pushed family, friends, or things off. Thinking, they'll understand or I'll get to it later. I assumed to much.
So, if you want to know what my New Years resolutions are....I want to live life like everyday is my last! I want to not assume my family and friends know I love them but to tell them. Even if it annoys them to no end. I want to be driven by my heart, not caring what others think. If you think I'm mushy and cheesy so be it! If you don't understand my love for God and Jesus, so be it! I am me...we all are unique due to our life experiences. As part of the new me I intend on having a new life experience each month. So, if you have any ideas I'm up for any challenge! Happy New Year!