Learning to "Breathe the Moment"

On April 9th 2010 it will be exactly one year from my open heart. Although I had been sick quite a few months longer and had endured other surgeries and procedures, it was the day that marked a new journey. A journey of health and new perspectives. A new lease on life I guess you might say. If you ask me how I felt one year ago...all I can say is I was full of hope and anticipation. Up to that point I realized that anger and despair has never been found to make a situation better. When the world felt as if it were saying,"Give Up", Hope was whispering to me, "Try it one more time." I looked back at my facebook entries and noticed not too much was really said. My entry was, "Today's the day!" Most of the comments were from friends. Notes of encouragement and positivity. For that, I will be forever greatful. So many have told me I've inspired them, encouraged them to be a better person and have a brighter outlook on life. The truth is, I never tried to do any of that. I lived day for day just trying to get through. If it wasn't for so many people who continued to try to encourage me..never letting me forget how loved I was..and my continual effort to trust in God, I wouldn't be the one who inspired at all. So, thank you my dear friends for staying by my side and pushing me to never give up! I love you all dearly!
So, I was given this amazing second chance in life, what will I do with it? For some reason in life I was given this journey. I would have loved to say to God, "Hey Buddy you mind if I have a rain check." But, my life didn't pan out the way I exactly wanted it too. So, I see this trial as a form of shock therapy. I was stripped from self pleasures and distractions, and forced to look at life in a different way. God permitted me to wake up a little more. He did it in a crazy way I must say. Crazy enough I had to be told I wasn't going to make it through life much longer, endure three heart surgeries which were very rough, and another possibility of a fatal complication. Not to mention all of my daily struggles. By the end of it all I said one night, "God you have my complete attention now!" Because I understood that this was for a reason I struggled for quite some time of what that meant. I felt for awhile a heavy burden of what great expectation of his I could perform to show how greatful I was. As time passed and I started to listen to those around me, I realized what my purpose was. Here I was thinking I had to have this great impact on the world. I had to do something so remarkable that it would change the world as we knew it. I had to be a Mother Theresa in a sense. But, as my journey progressed, I realized all I needed to do was show my continual faith, learn from my mistakes, and be a good person. I learned that if you lead your life in the right way, Karma in a sense will take care of the rest. I assumed I was doing all of these things before I was sick. But, I was not being truthful to myself. I didn't always put my faith first(I placed it on a shelf and used it in time of need only). I allowed daily distractions to slip in and push my family and friends to the side. I relied on materialist things at times to make me feel better about myself.
So, I guess you've realized I'm perfect now right!! So far from the truth. I still have days where I think negative, where I have to push myself to be better. I say bad words, and every once in awhile say to my children,"can you hold on a minute." But, the difference now is that I realize it. I understand my faults and admit to them. I look at life differently and rethink a situation. I regained my "childlike wonder" in life and intend not to lose that. In every life circumstance there is at least one positive and I'm determined to find it now. One day a few weeks ago a Doctor at work(hadn't seen me in about 7 months) said," Anne, when I talk to you I envision rainbows and butterflies swarmimg around you." I asked what he meant and he said," I swear you see the positive in all!" You know that was one of the best compliments I had ever gotten. The glass is half full now and darn it I intend to keep it that way!
The past year has flown by. I have fulfilled many goals for myself and developed a passion for life I didn't even know existed. In a sense I am so grateful for this journey. It has allowed me to challenge myself, become the person I always wanted to be and find life's true meaning. I've realized we can't change the cards we are dealt , just how they are played. The brick walls in life are put there to make us realize just how badly we want something.
Lastly, I didn't go through this journey alone...it effected many of my friends and family's lives. They made dinner, watched my children, prayed, and listened and waited by the phone for hours to hear test results or how a procedure went. I will never forget that. My dear Mother stayed with me weeks on end doing laundry, cleaning, managing the kids and making sure we were well fed. The Doctor laughed at my follow up appointment and said, " you know most people lose weight after open heart!" But, mostly my journey effected one particular person the most. That would be my husband Jamie. Growing up you envision whom you would marry. Jamie, to be honest was not quite what I envisioned. I was 17 and he was 23(so old). He grew on me, always challenging me....kinda fly by night kind of guy. By 20 I was begging him to marry me and the rest was history. We were married and at 21 I honestly don't think a girl really knows what marriage material is. I just knew I was in love and didn't care about much else. You say the words "In sickness and health" when you are married but don't think much about them. Thinking that will come when we are old. Never did I expect to get sick by 30. So, our marriage was put to that test pretty early on. To be honest at points of my illness I would get angry at how he reacted. Thinking that's not how I would react! How could he remain so cool and collected during my darkest time? He's not on his knees praying for God to heal me or why is he able to even eat. We all say we will act a certain way when dealing with a hardship but we will never know until it is thrown at us. I never truly gave him the credit he deserves. Let me tell you what this remarkable man did for me: He allowed me to sleep without question for hours on end. He made meals and brought them to bed(I still get breakfast in bed a few times a month). He taught me to let the laundry and housework go..."it will always be there." He took me to doctor's appointments and procedures. He never complained...period. He listened and let me tell only him when I was scared. All I would have to do is look at him and he could tell in my eyes what he needed to do...either take the kids in the other room or just simply hold me. He told me everyday how much he loved me and how beautiful I was(even during the periods of a soft blue coloring). He held my hand when I slept...just so I would know he was there. He prayed with me and scratched my back until I fell asleep at night. Making sure I fell asleep first because he wanted to make sure I wasn't up worrying. When I was in the hospital and in pain he took it away with laughter. He bathed me, dressed me,combed my hair, put lip gloss on me, and when I would just look at the hospital food he would hop up and get me something else. When I was at home he catered to me completely waking up around the clock to make sure I received medication. There where quite a few times I awoke with his ear to my chest. Scare and amazed at how fast my heart was beating and jumping around. I could go on and on...funny how we only focus on the negative at times. So thank you my Beautiful husband..you are more than I could have dreamed of.
I'm sure I will continue to have more journeys and hills to climb in the future but that is what will make me who I am and will be. If I had to say what my greatest lesson was from all of this..it would be to get God off the self, make everyday count...finding joy and wonder in every moment, appreciate what you have and those around you, and learn from the good and bad in life! Remember, it's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again because that is a true measure of who you are!

"Dream Big...Dream without Fear...Dream with Love....and breathe the moment!"