Do you ever forget?

As with many of my posts I am completely honest and upfront. Never sugar coating my thoughts and feelings. I had many, many difficult days. Although, I always tried to focus on the good days. So, this post is one of fear/concern(just being honest). This week I will be having my six month echo. Of course everything should be fabulous.....right? Obviously, I am much better and have beat every odd against me. But, something never goes away with any major illness or trauma. That is the fear of going back...back to that scary time of your life when you had no control. When you are going through something so traumatic during that time period you are in survival mode. All you're focused on is getting through the next procedure, the day or sometimes even the next hour. I never had time to think of the what ifs....but now I do. Funny, I thought once my fight was over I had made it through completely traumatized free. I know now what post traumatic stress syndrome is. It is the fear of going back...back to uncertainty. Most of the time I am proud of myself for charging through my illness and it gives me a sense of accomplishment. But, other times I hate to look back. I'm frightened to think how close I was to loosing so many things in my life. I was living in a word where my body was a prison. Honestly, can you blame me for not wanting to ever go back. I was given an illness and I dealt with it the best I could. I chose the high road and learned from my journey. Even though my illness taught me so many life lessons I still wouldn't have even wanted it to happen in a million years. Not even to my worst enemy(if I ever had one). So, all I can do is pray that the fear doesn't consume me. I will also pray that my implant is working, that no scar tissue has developed, my heart pressures are low, and hopefully no signs of heart failure. No matter what, I have and will continue to do the best I can to cope and persevere in life!