As you know I've turned to writing for my new found comfort and for informative purposes for friends and family. Today, my world was rocked like no other. Seems my heart story is no longer just mine. I now share it with my littlest angel Dax. When I was just diagnosed I of course ran straight to listen to my children's little hearts. Mya's was strong and perfect and then there was Dax's. His was booming and here and there had what sounded like a never ending beat-swish. I was in denial thinking I was making this all up in my head. I had been encouraged numerous times to check the kids out by my cardiologist but I felt sadly if I'm not aware it will go away. Really not the best way to handle the situation but I felt too weak to handle it any other way. I had been through so much and my life was finally stable and happy again. So, this year I happily strolled into the pediatrician's office. Mya was first and finished quickly. Dax went next(as the stethoscope was placed on his chest) the pediatrician said...now can you tell me your heart history again. Ding Ding! My hidden fears were confirmed. So, echo's were ordered and performed. Dax's took a little longer but again...I was just putting silly thoughts in my head. Until, Dax says, "Mommy, mine took longer than Mya's". Ughh just another coincidence. One day later(today) I receive the call. "Well, Anne I've been sitting here trying to think of what I might say to you. I don't know how to tell you this and it saddens me to do this but I have to. I know clearly you wanna run but you can't any longer....Dax has a streched PFO and an ASD. He is 6 and at that age all openings should be closed independently. Especially with your heart condition and history. It appears it would be best if you meet with a pediatric cardiologist/surgeon. I can't be 100% sure they will fix it but I'm almost positive they will suggest some form of surgery or procedure. Most likely a closure device performed via catherization."
So, basically I will need to find a great, trustworthy pediatric cardiologist to take a look at Dax. I am filled with so many emotions at this point. Yes, I do know that it could be much, much worse and that knowing is better. But, wow we've been through so much these past couple of years!! So many complications occurred and permanent damage it's just down right scary!! So, I'm gonna focus on ONLY the positive. My friend said it best,"God's plan was for me to be sick first so that I can help chose my son's path and show him strength." We will get thru just like before. I am thankful that God gave me the strength to help diagnose Dax early before he has complications like I did. I am thankful that he will be healed and live a strong healthy life! I am thankful that he has fairly common heart defects that are the easiest to fix. I am thankful for today's technology and medical advancements. Lastly, I am thankful for knowing that I have faith in God that He will take care of my baby no matter what life brings! I will not run or push Him away I will find my strength from Him! So, my dearest friends...here's what you can do: Please pray and if you know or have any advice big or small please give it. Don't worry about over stepping or thinking it might upset me. If you know of anyone who has had surgeries or knows of a pediatric surgeon(a friend of a friend ect) please send their number my way. I would appreciate any input or advice big or small! I'll keep you all posted. Thank you to all of my incredible friends who I honestly couldn't do without!! Love you:)
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Learning to "Breathe the Moment"
On April 9th 2010 it will be exactly one year from my open heart. Although I had been sick quite a few months longer and had endured other surgeries and procedures, it was the day that marked a new journey. A journey of health and new perspectives. A new lease on life I guess you might say. If you ask me how I felt one year ago...all I can say is I was full of hope and anticipation. Up to that point I realized that anger and despair has never been found to make a situation better. When the world felt as if it were saying,"Give Up", Hope was whispering to me, "Try it one more time." I looked back at my facebook entries and noticed not too much was really said. My entry was, "Today's the day!" Most of the comments were from friends. Notes of encouragement and positivity. For that, I will be forever greatful. So many have told me I've inspired them, encouraged them to be a better person and have a brighter outlook on life. The truth is, I never tried to do any of that. I lived day for day just trying to get through. If it wasn't for so many people who continued to try to encourage me..never letting me forget how loved I was..and my continual effort to trust in God, I wouldn't be the one who inspired at all. So, thank you my dear friends for staying by my side and pushing me to never give up! I love you all dearly!
So, I was given this amazing second chance in life, what will I do with it? For some reason in life I was given this journey. I would have loved to say to God, "Hey Buddy you mind if I have a rain check." But, my life didn't pan out the way I exactly wanted it too. So, I see this trial as a form of shock therapy. I was stripped from self pleasures and distractions, and forced to look at life in a different way. God permitted me to wake up a little more. He did it in a crazy way I must say. Crazy enough I had to be told I wasn't going to make it through life much longer, endure three heart surgeries which were very rough, and another possibility of a fatal complication. Not to mention all of my daily struggles. By the end of it all I said one night, "God you have my complete attention now!" Because I understood that this was for a reason I struggled for quite some time of what that meant. I felt for awhile a heavy burden of what great expectation of his I could perform to show how greatful I was. As time passed and I started to listen to those around me, I realized what my purpose was. Here I was thinking I had to have this great impact on the world. I had to do something so remarkable that it would change the world as we knew it. I had to be a Mother Theresa in a sense. But, as my journey progressed, I realized all I needed to do was show my continual faith, learn from my mistakes, and be a good person. I learned that if you lead your life in the right way, Karma in a sense will take care of the rest. I assumed I was doing all of these things before I was sick. But, I was not being truthful to myself. I didn't always put my faith first(I placed it on a shelf and used it in time of need only). I allowed daily distractions to slip in and push my family and friends to the side. I relied on materialist things at times to make me feel better about myself.
So, I guess you've realized I'm perfect now right!! So far from the truth. I still have days where I think negative, where I have to push myself to be better. I say bad words, and every once in awhile say to my children,"can you hold on a minute." But, the difference now is that I realize it. I understand my faults and admit to them. I look at life differently and rethink a situation. I regained my "childlike wonder" in life and intend not to lose that. In every life circumstance there is at least one positive and I'm determined to find it now. One day a few weeks ago a Doctor at work(hadn't seen me in about 7 months) said," Anne, when I talk to you I envision rainbows and butterflies swarmimg around you." I asked what he meant and he said," I swear you see the positive in all!" You know that was one of the best compliments I had ever gotten. The glass is half full now and darn it I intend to keep it that way!
The past year has flown by. I have fulfilled many goals for myself and developed a passion for life I didn't even know existed. In a sense I am so grateful for this journey. It has allowed me to challenge myself, become the person I always wanted to be and find life's true meaning. I've realized we can't change the cards we are dealt , just how they are played. The brick walls in life are put there to make us realize just how badly we want something.
Lastly, I didn't go through this journey alone...it effected many of my friends and family's lives. They made dinner, watched my children, prayed, and listened and waited by the phone for hours to hear test results or how a procedure went. I will never forget that. My dear Mother stayed with me weeks on end doing laundry, cleaning, managing the kids and making sure we were well fed. The Doctor laughed at my follow up appointment and said, " you know most people lose weight after open heart!" But, mostly my journey effected one particular person the most. That would be my husband Jamie. Growing up you envision whom you would marry. Jamie, to be honest was not quite what I envisioned. I was 17 and he was 23(so old). He grew on me, always challenging me....kinda fly by night kind of guy. By 20 I was begging him to marry me and the rest was history. We were married and at 21 I honestly don't think a girl really knows what marriage material is. I just knew I was in love and didn't care about much else. You say the words "In sickness and health" when you are married but don't think much about them. Thinking that will come when we are old. Never did I expect to get sick by 30. So, our marriage was put to that test pretty early on. To be honest at points of my illness I would get angry at how he reacted. Thinking that's not how I would react! How could he remain so cool and collected during my darkest time? He's not on his knees praying for God to heal me or why is he able to even eat. We all say we will act a certain way when dealing with a hardship but we will never know until it is thrown at us. I never truly gave him the credit he deserves. Let me tell you what this remarkable man did for me: He allowed me to sleep without question for hours on end. He made meals and brought them to bed(I still get breakfast in bed a few times a month). He taught me to let the laundry and housework go..."it will always be there." He took me to doctor's appointments and procedures. He never complained...period. He listened and let me tell only him when I was scared. All I would have to do is look at him and he could tell in my eyes what he needed to do...either take the kids in the other room or just simply hold me. He told me everyday how much he loved me and how beautiful I was(even during the periods of a soft blue coloring). He held my hand when I slept...just so I would know he was there. He prayed with me and scratched my back until I fell asleep at night. Making sure I fell asleep first because he wanted to make sure I wasn't up worrying. When I was in the hospital and in pain he took it away with laughter. He bathed me, dressed me,combed my hair, put lip gloss on me, and when I would just look at the hospital food he would hop up and get me something else. When I was at home he catered to me completely waking up around the clock to make sure I received medication. There where quite a few times I awoke with his ear to my chest. Scare and amazed at how fast my heart was beating and jumping around. I could go on and on...funny how we only focus on the negative at times. So thank you my Beautiful husband..you are more than I could have dreamed of.
I'm sure I will continue to have more journeys and hills to climb in the future but that is what will make me who I am and will be. If I had to say what my greatest lesson was from all of this..it would be to get God off the self, make everyday count...finding joy and wonder in every moment, appreciate what you have and those around you, and learn from the good and bad in life! Remember, it's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again because that is a true measure of who you are!
"Dream Big...Dream without Fear...Dream with Love....and breathe the moment!"
So, I was given this amazing second chance in life, what will I do with it? For some reason in life I was given this journey. I would have loved to say to God, "Hey Buddy you mind if I have a rain check." But, my life didn't pan out the way I exactly wanted it too. So, I see this trial as a form of shock therapy. I was stripped from self pleasures and distractions, and forced to look at life in a different way. God permitted me to wake up a little more. He did it in a crazy way I must say. Crazy enough I had to be told I wasn't going to make it through life much longer, endure three heart surgeries which were very rough, and another possibility of a fatal complication. Not to mention all of my daily struggles. By the end of it all I said one night, "God you have my complete attention now!" Because I understood that this was for a reason I struggled for quite some time of what that meant. I felt for awhile a heavy burden of what great expectation of his I could perform to show how greatful I was. As time passed and I started to listen to those around me, I realized what my purpose was. Here I was thinking I had to have this great impact on the world. I had to do something so remarkable that it would change the world as we knew it. I had to be a Mother Theresa in a sense. But, as my journey progressed, I realized all I needed to do was show my continual faith, learn from my mistakes, and be a good person. I learned that if you lead your life in the right way, Karma in a sense will take care of the rest. I assumed I was doing all of these things before I was sick. But, I was not being truthful to myself. I didn't always put my faith first(I placed it on a shelf and used it in time of need only). I allowed daily distractions to slip in and push my family and friends to the side. I relied on materialist things at times to make me feel better about myself.
So, I guess you've realized I'm perfect now right!! So far from the truth. I still have days where I think negative, where I have to push myself to be better. I say bad words, and every once in awhile say to my children,"can you hold on a minute." But, the difference now is that I realize it. I understand my faults and admit to them. I look at life differently and rethink a situation. I regained my "childlike wonder" in life and intend not to lose that. In every life circumstance there is at least one positive and I'm determined to find it now. One day a few weeks ago a Doctor at work(hadn't seen me in about 7 months) said," Anne, when I talk to you I envision rainbows and butterflies swarmimg around you." I asked what he meant and he said," I swear you see the positive in all!" You know that was one of the best compliments I had ever gotten. The glass is half full now and darn it I intend to keep it that way!
The past year has flown by. I have fulfilled many goals for myself and developed a passion for life I didn't even know existed. In a sense I am so grateful for this journey. It has allowed me to challenge myself, become the person I always wanted to be and find life's true meaning. I've realized we can't change the cards we are dealt , just how they are played. The brick walls in life are put there to make us realize just how badly we want something.
Lastly, I didn't go through this journey alone...it effected many of my friends and family's lives. They made dinner, watched my children, prayed, and listened and waited by the phone for hours to hear test results or how a procedure went. I will never forget that. My dear Mother stayed with me weeks on end doing laundry, cleaning, managing the kids and making sure we were well fed. The Doctor laughed at my follow up appointment and said, " you know most people lose weight after open heart!" But, mostly my journey effected one particular person the most. That would be my husband Jamie. Growing up you envision whom you would marry. Jamie, to be honest was not quite what I envisioned. I was 17 and he was 23(so old). He grew on me, always challenging me....kinda fly by night kind of guy. By 20 I was begging him to marry me and the rest was history. We were married and at 21 I honestly don't think a girl really knows what marriage material is. I just knew I was in love and didn't care about much else. You say the words "In sickness and health" when you are married but don't think much about them. Thinking that will come when we are old. Never did I expect to get sick by 30. So, our marriage was put to that test pretty early on. To be honest at points of my illness I would get angry at how he reacted. Thinking that's not how I would react! How could he remain so cool and collected during my darkest time? He's not on his knees praying for God to heal me or why is he able to even eat. We all say we will act a certain way when dealing with a hardship but we will never know until it is thrown at us. I never truly gave him the credit he deserves. Let me tell you what this remarkable man did for me: He allowed me to sleep without question for hours on end. He made meals and brought them to bed(I still get breakfast in bed a few times a month). He taught me to let the laundry and housework go..."it will always be there." He took me to doctor's appointments and procedures. He never complained...period. He listened and let me tell only him when I was scared. All I would have to do is look at him and he could tell in my eyes what he needed to do...either take the kids in the other room or just simply hold me. He told me everyday how much he loved me and how beautiful I was(even during the periods of a soft blue coloring). He held my hand when I slept...just so I would know he was there. He prayed with me and scratched my back until I fell asleep at night. Making sure I fell asleep first because he wanted to make sure I wasn't up worrying. When I was in the hospital and in pain he took it away with laughter. He bathed me, dressed me,combed my hair, put lip gloss on me, and when I would just look at the hospital food he would hop up and get me something else. When I was at home he catered to me completely waking up around the clock to make sure I received medication. There where quite a few times I awoke with his ear to my chest. Scare and amazed at how fast my heart was beating and jumping around. I could go on and on...funny how we only focus on the negative at times. So thank you my Beautiful husband..you are more than I could have dreamed of.
I'm sure I will continue to have more journeys and hills to climb in the future but that is what will make me who I am and will be. If I had to say what my greatest lesson was from all of this..it would be to get God off the self, make everyday count...finding joy and wonder in every moment, appreciate what you have and those around you, and learn from the good and bad in life! Remember, it's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again because that is a true measure of who you are!
"Dream Big...Dream without Fear...Dream with Love....and breathe the moment!"
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Happy New Year!!
Although a whole year has not pasted since open heart, it is in fact a new year. I was shocked that I was so overwhelmed. 2008/2009 were so difficult that it was just another reminder of a new me...a new start! So, what will I do with my new healthy year? Well, I have the typical New Years resolutions such as get in better shape, grow stronger in faith, and be a better all around person. But, as you can imagine I see my life in a different perspective. I believed that previously I never took life for granted. I saw death on almost a weekly basis....so I knew how precious life could be. Yes, maybe I did realize the importance of family, friends and moments more than others. But, something changes you beyond words when you are traumatized with an illness or near death experience.
I have decided to finally share a moment when my life changed like no other. Up until this point I know I have been quite open and candid. But, I have had to personally deal with a particular moment that was not only frightening it was...well there's no other word but traumatizing. Of course a person might think it was the misdiagnosis, 3 heart surgeries, being evaluated for lung/heart transplant,TIAs, or a possibility of an aortic tear that might of gotten me. No, I remained stronger than I could have ever imagined myself during those moments. My moment was after my second open heart.....I was lying there about 2 am in pain, on a ventilator, not being able to speak. I had just been shocked and my heart rate was 30(in a junctional rhythm) not perfusing. My nurse called a staff emergency due to my heart rate and blood pressure(50/40). Yes, it is possible and still be alive. I honestly can say that in the 11years of my medical background I have never seen it. But, never the less I was awake and knew what was next. I was on an epinephrine drip(to increase my heart rate), blood pressure medications ect. A team presented at the end of my bed. Two physicians, a nurse and a nurse practitioner. They had the operating MD on the line. They couldn't figure out what to do. More fluids? I was already up 55lbs which was putting alot of strain on my heart and kidneys. I was maxed out on drips. I heard one of them say, "I'm honestly baffled!" "What", I'm at one of the leading hospitals in the U.S. and your baffled!! They debated about going to the OR a third time. They decided to start continuously pacing me. Not the sweet pacemaker shocks(I wish) but the kind that rips though your body. I was shocked every 20 seconds. I was smart enough to know that possibly this would be my last few hours in this world. I was frightened and felt completely alone. I had to get out of my body one way or another...the pain was like no other. Was this finally how it would all end? I went through all of this and fought for myself and for my children.....for what to die alone? I wouldn't ever get the chance to say goodbye or hold them again. I had to find comfort somehow. I started to flashback on my life. I reflected on the faces of my children, Jamie, my family and friends. I relived the birth of my children, and my wedding day. I imagined what my funeral would be and look like. I wondered what people would say about me. Then when I was finished I started to pray. I prayed not to live because I knew that was beyond my control. But, I prayed for God to allow my last thoughts to be of him and my family. I prayed for peace and comfort to be brought to my family. Lastly, I prayed not to feel alone. At that moment I felt warmth throughout my body. I felt a comfort like no other. I was not alone nor would I ever be! As the team was still baffled on what to do, I knew without a doubt I was going to be o.k. I signaled a thumbs up. The nurse explained, "I think she's alert and understands." One of the Doctors said. "impossible!" My nurse said, "Anne do you understand what's going on?" I nodded, "Yes." Again, I put my thumb up. The nurse grabbed my arm and said, "I can't believe this! Don't worry I will not leave your side. I will be with you every moment." With that I must have passed out do to shock.
Due to that experience I will never be the same. I realized the importance of a human touch. I understood the power of prayer and God's presence. I realized how cluttered my life was of meaningless things. I realized I pushed family, friends, or things off. Thinking, they'll understand or I'll get to it later. I assumed to much.
So, if you want to know what my New Years resolutions are....I want to live life like everyday is my last! I want to not assume my family and friends know I love them but to tell them. Even if it annoys them to no end. I want to be driven by my heart, not caring what others think. If you think I'm mushy and cheesy so be it! If you don't understand my love for God and Jesus, so be it! I am me...we all are unique due to our life experiences. As part of the new me I intend on having a new life experience each month. So, if you have any ideas I'm up for any challenge! Happy New Year!
I have decided to finally share a moment when my life changed like no other. Up until this point I know I have been quite open and candid. But, I have had to personally deal with a particular moment that was not only frightening it was...well there's no other word but traumatizing. Of course a person might think it was the misdiagnosis, 3 heart surgeries, being evaluated for lung/heart transplant,TIAs, or a possibility of an aortic tear that might of gotten me. No, I remained stronger than I could have ever imagined myself during those moments. My moment was after my second open heart.....I was lying there about 2 am in pain, on a ventilator, not being able to speak. I had just been shocked and my heart rate was 30(in a junctional rhythm) not perfusing. My nurse called a staff emergency due to my heart rate and blood pressure(50/40). Yes, it is possible and still be alive. I honestly can say that in the 11years of my medical background I have never seen it. But, never the less I was awake and knew what was next. I was on an epinephrine drip(to increase my heart rate), blood pressure medications ect. A team presented at the end of my bed. Two physicians, a nurse and a nurse practitioner. They had the operating MD on the line. They couldn't figure out what to do. More fluids? I was already up 55lbs which was putting alot of strain on my heart and kidneys. I was maxed out on drips. I heard one of them say, "I'm honestly baffled!" "What", I'm at one of the leading hospitals in the U.S. and your baffled!! They debated about going to the OR a third time. They decided to start continuously pacing me. Not the sweet pacemaker shocks(I wish) but the kind that rips though your body. I was shocked every 20 seconds. I was smart enough to know that possibly this would be my last few hours in this world. I was frightened and felt completely alone. I had to get out of my body one way or another...the pain was like no other. Was this finally how it would all end? I went through all of this and fought for myself and for my children.....for what to die alone? I wouldn't ever get the chance to say goodbye or hold them again. I had to find comfort somehow. I started to flashback on my life. I reflected on the faces of my children, Jamie, my family and friends. I relived the birth of my children, and my wedding day. I imagined what my funeral would be and look like. I wondered what people would say about me. Then when I was finished I started to pray. I prayed not to live because I knew that was beyond my control. But, I prayed for God to allow my last thoughts to be of him and my family. I prayed for peace and comfort to be brought to my family. Lastly, I prayed not to feel alone. At that moment I felt warmth throughout my body. I felt a comfort like no other. I was not alone nor would I ever be! As the team was still baffled on what to do, I knew without a doubt I was going to be o.k. I signaled a thumbs up. The nurse explained, "I think she's alert and understands." One of the Doctors said. "impossible!" My nurse said, "Anne do you understand what's going on?" I nodded, "Yes." Again, I put my thumb up. The nurse grabbed my arm and said, "I can't believe this! Don't worry I will not leave your side. I will be with you every moment." With that I must have passed out do to shock.
Due to that experience I will never be the same. I realized the importance of a human touch. I understood the power of prayer and God's presence. I realized how cluttered my life was of meaningless things. I realized I pushed family, friends, or things off. Thinking, they'll understand or I'll get to it later. I assumed to much.
So, if you want to know what my New Years resolutions are....I want to live life like everyday is my last! I want to not assume my family and friends know I love them but to tell them. Even if it annoys them to no end. I want to be driven by my heart, not caring what others think. If you think I'm mushy and cheesy so be it! If you don't understand my love for God and Jesus, so be it! I am me...we all are unique due to our life experiences. As part of the new me I intend on having a new life experience each month. So, if you have any ideas I'm up for any challenge! Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Even the Little Milestones Count!
Since my recovery I am amazed as I pass each milestone. My first 5K, passing my initial diagnosis day, first TIA marker, and first surgical marker ect.. Something this week hit me with surprise. Every year the day after Thanksgiving we put up our Christmas decorations. I have my assignments and Jamie has his. Last year my first assignment was to put a series of small trees up in our dinning room. I decorate with snow, houses, and lights. As I was putting it up last year I was struggling. I had to stop even though I was working sitting down. I remember vividly shaking, being winded and dizzy. Which, shortly there after would cause extreme vomiting. That was my normal world at the time. I couldn't finish this easy task. At the time I didn't know I was developing pulmonary hypertension. Raising my arms or walking caused pressures in my chest to build in turn putting to much workload on my heart. I was heartbroken! By that time my family was use to me heading off to bed even though I had just woken up an hour previously. My days off from work I slept or layed all day.
This year I was just about finished in record time and ready to go to the next task. Then a surge of emotions hit me. I remember that exact moment from the year previously. It's funny how things come to you out of the blue. Yes, I knew I was much better but to compare an exact moment was incredible. The weak, pale, and sickly image was replaced with a strong and vibrate person. Of course the tears come quickly to me...but this time they were beautiful, happy tears of joy. I wish I could put into words how blessed I truly feel. God, my family and friends have given me a life I could have never dreamed of. I thank God everyday for my gift of life and all my milestones...even the little ones!
This year I was just about finished in record time and ready to go to the next task. Then a surge of emotions hit me. I remember that exact moment from the year previously. It's funny how things come to you out of the blue. Yes, I knew I was much better but to compare an exact moment was incredible. The weak, pale, and sickly image was replaced with a strong and vibrate person. Of course the tears come quickly to me...but this time they were beautiful, happy tears of joy. I wish I could put into words how blessed I truly feel. God, my family and friends have given me a life I could have never dreamed of. I thank God everyday for my gift of life and all my milestones...even the little ones!
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
6 Month Echo
So today was the day! A day that would determine if I look back or keep on trucking along. If you ask me I would much rather not have even had an echo done or be hooked up to any more monitors or machines. I would like to no longer go by numbers or values and just base my health on how I feel. No news is good news in my eyes. I've done pretty well these last few days up until they made me wait.....I despise waiting it makes me think. So, luckily for me I have some great friends that I decided to bother for a pep talk. As always they are so true to me. I don't know what I would do without them!
I was finally called back. The technician a little cold in the beginning heard my story throughout the echo and became my new friend. She was actually quite helpful and knowledgeable. I think we were both a little stressed. I probably wasn't in the cheeriest of moods and her a little uneasy about seeing a cow part in someone. We were both entering an area of the unexpected. What is my heart suppose to look like and how is it suppose to perform now that it has been a little restructured. When we were finished she called on of my favorite Doctors in. He has been with me since the beginning and truly has been my angel. He came in hugged me and took a look. With that he smiled and suggested a stress echo to take a little closer look. Always asking if I minded:) A stress echo is just an echo being performed while you are walking on a treadmill. They asked for the nurse practitioner to be present...o.k. I thought! Hummm... The nurse practitioner immediately recognized me. She recalled our visit a little over a year ago where the circumstances were much different. She gave me the eye..I laughed and said, "Don't worry this time it will be o.k." She gave me a look of uncertainty. I walked on the treadmill with ease and then waited for Dr. E to return.
Dr. E again returns with another hug and smile. He first always likes to start with the compliments. He's pretty good with them too! He said how proud he is of me for turning such a horrible experience into a good one. How I haven't used this as an excuse not to live life to the fullest. He expressed how he often thinks of me and what he has learned. He teared up a little which makes me always look down when I should be hugging him. Dr. E reiterated what a miracle my outcome was! He is amazing! He made comments to the effect like he should have done more for me. I explained to him that he in fact was the one who did it all! After I was prejudged in the beginning by a previous physician; he took one look at what was suppose to be this normal, healthy 31 year old and took my word for it. He not only took my word for it but had me tested right away! He could of just sent me for further testing over the next few weeks. I was actually directly admitted that day to the hospital. So, I explained, "you were the key factor in my diagnosis." I couldn't ask for a better physician on my side. In a way we were on this journey together. Then after a little more discussion a high five and a hug I was off.
In all my echo looked great! Dr. E said he didn't even see any scar tissue at this time nor enlargements. My septal wall was still very flexible and my implant looked beautiful. It was doing it's job. The only concern at this point was the valves being a little stretched from all the new blood volume and hopefully in time my heart will adjust. If not, in about 20-30 years I might need some new valves. Who knows what will be in the market those days. I might end up part cow and part monkey or something along those lines. Hey, if that's my only problem I am more than thankful! I am still here doing the things I love and being with the people who complete my world. Right now that's all that matters!
I was finally called back. The technician a little cold in the beginning heard my story throughout the echo and became my new friend. She was actually quite helpful and knowledgeable. I think we were both a little stressed. I probably wasn't in the cheeriest of moods and her a little uneasy about seeing a cow part in someone. We were both entering an area of the unexpected. What is my heart suppose to look like and how is it suppose to perform now that it has been a little restructured. When we were finished she called on of my favorite Doctors in. He has been with me since the beginning and truly has been my angel. He came in hugged me and took a look. With that he smiled and suggested a stress echo to take a little closer look. Always asking if I minded:) A stress echo is just an echo being performed while you are walking on a treadmill. They asked for the nurse practitioner to be present...o.k. I thought! Hummm... The nurse practitioner immediately recognized me. She recalled our visit a little over a year ago where the circumstances were much different. She gave me the eye..I laughed and said, "Don't worry this time it will be o.k." She gave me a look of uncertainty. I walked on the treadmill with ease and then waited for Dr. E to return.
Dr. E again returns with another hug and smile. He first always likes to start with the compliments. He's pretty good with them too! He said how proud he is of me for turning such a horrible experience into a good one. How I haven't used this as an excuse not to live life to the fullest. He expressed how he often thinks of me and what he has learned. He teared up a little which makes me always look down when I should be hugging him. Dr. E reiterated what a miracle my outcome was! He is amazing! He made comments to the effect like he should have done more for me. I explained to him that he in fact was the one who did it all! After I was prejudged in the beginning by a previous physician; he took one look at what was suppose to be this normal, healthy 31 year old and took my word for it. He not only took my word for it but had me tested right away! He could of just sent me for further testing over the next few weeks. I was actually directly admitted that day to the hospital. So, I explained, "you were the key factor in my diagnosis." I couldn't ask for a better physician on my side. In a way we were on this journey together. Then after a little more discussion a high five and a hug I was off.
In all my echo looked great! Dr. E said he didn't even see any scar tissue at this time nor enlargements. My septal wall was still very flexible and my implant looked beautiful. It was doing it's job. The only concern at this point was the valves being a little stretched from all the new blood volume and hopefully in time my heart will adjust. If not, in about 20-30 years I might need some new valves. Who knows what will be in the market those days. I might end up part cow and part monkey or something along those lines. Hey, if that's my only problem I am more than thankful! I am still here doing the things I love and being with the people who complete my world. Right now that's all that matters!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Do you ever forget?
As with many of my posts I am completely honest and upfront. Never sugar coating my thoughts and feelings. I had many, many difficult days. Although, I always tried to focus on the good days. So, this post is one of fear/concern(just being honest). This week I will be having my six month echo. Of course everything should be fabulous.....right? Obviously, I am much better and have beat every odd against me. But, something never goes away with any major illness or trauma. That is the fear of going back...back to that scary time of your life when you had no control. When you are going through something so traumatic during that time period you are in survival mode. All you're focused on is getting through the next procedure, the day or sometimes even the next hour. I never had time to think of the what ifs....but now I do. Funny, I thought once my fight was over I had made it through completely traumatized free. I know now what post traumatic stress syndrome is. It is the fear of going back...back to uncertainty. Most of the time I am proud of myself for charging through my illness and it gives me a sense of accomplishment. But, other times I hate to look back. I'm frightened to think how close I was to loosing so many things in my life. I was living in a word where my body was a prison. Honestly, can you blame me for not wanting to ever go back. I was given an illness and I dealt with it the best I could. I chose the high road and learned from my journey. Even though my illness taught me so many life lessons I still wouldn't have even wanted it to happen in a million years. Not even to my worst enemy(if I ever had one). So, all I can do is pray that the fear doesn't consume me. I will also pray that my implant is working, that no scar tissue has developed, my heart pressures are low, and hopefully no signs of heart failure. No matter what, I have and will continue to do the best I can to cope and persevere in life!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Life choice's......what to do?
During the process of being ill a series of self/life evaluations normally occurs. You ask yourself the follow questions.....am I a good person, mother, friend? What will I leave behind if I pass? Was I good enough and true enough for God to accept me? Lastly, did I achieve all of my hopes and dreams that I had for myself? Not only are you dealing with a stress of an illness of the unknown...your dealing with the stress of that major self evaluation. After my initial diagnosis I was determine to make an all around difference. I was a good mother but I was going to better. Never pushing my children to the side or telling them I was to busy. I wanted to show them that no matter what happened I was a fighter. When the world handed me a lemon I was going to make the best lemonade possible. I was no longer going to say maybe in a few years I'll get to my dreams in life. I was going to truly show God how thankful I was to be alive even if that was possibly just a day longer. He in fact had already given me so much. I was going to be the best wife I could and make sure I was the wife that Jamie had always dreamed of. Although, if you ask him he says I always was. Boy, do I love that guy! I was going to make sure my friends knew how important they were to me and not let us grow apart. I would make every life experience a good one.
When I realize I was blessed with such a miracle I have to admit I felt a heavy undeserving feeling. Why am I the lucky one? Now what? I tell you dealing with that was almost as hard as dealing with my illness. Finally after talking with friends, family, co-workers, church members, and my patients my path was clear. I realized that just by telling my story and being an example of faith was enough. I have actually been told that I was someone's angel and that I made a difference in several people's lives. There is no greater gift in life than that! I have made a difference just by living!
As I finished writing my blog yesterday I received a phone call from the American Heart Association of Delaware asking if I would consider becoming a member of the Board of Directors!
They must have been mistaken what do I know about being a chair person for events, or raising money, or making decisions that would possibly effect many! That's right...nothing! All I know is that I have a passion for the medical field; I've had it since a child. I know every aspect of the human heart my favorite medical discussion. I love to research and read studies...but lastly I have a passion to help others. Initial I was so excited! Do you know what this meant? I would be somebody! A person of prestige and honor! I would make a tremendous difference in people's lives! I couldn't wait to share it with the world! God had sent to me my purpose, my plan! But...had he?
I was up most of the night trying to figure out what to do. Jamie had told me he would support any decision but as always knows me better than myself sometimes and kindly reminded me of my dreams, goals, and stated vows to myself. Could I do it all? Yes, I do believe you can have it all, but with what sacrifices? I firmly believe that when you take on a responsibility you should take it on 100%. Otherwise, it's not fair to others involved! We have just entered a life of normalcy and it was amazing. What a gift I tell you! No more life on the edge! No more struggling to get through each day! I realized that I barely had time now to do the things that I enjoyed and fulfill a few dreams along the way. Raising my children and giving them what they needed in life meant making a difference in two people's lives already! Like many of us I have put God on the back burner at times. How could I do that after all this? If any time was to be devoted it had to be to him. So, I think he would be proud! I have a few dreams I'm working on right now! So, until I can give 100% to such an honor I will continue to follow a different path. Hopefully, as one door closes another will open. I still am determined to work with the Heart Association but in a much smaller scale. Hopefully, they will still see my passion and find a better suited role for me! I have to admit though I really wanted to say "Yes". It was a dream that I have actually had, but I pray that the opportunity will come again!
When I realize I was blessed with such a miracle I have to admit I felt a heavy undeserving feeling. Why am I the lucky one? Now what? I tell you dealing with that was almost as hard as dealing with my illness. Finally after talking with friends, family, co-workers, church members, and my patients my path was clear. I realized that just by telling my story and being an example of faith was enough. I have actually been told that I was someone's angel and that I made a difference in several people's lives. There is no greater gift in life than that! I have made a difference just by living!
As I finished writing my blog yesterday I received a phone call from the American Heart Association of Delaware asking if I would consider becoming a member of the Board of Directors!
They must have been mistaken what do I know about being a chair person for events, or raising money, or making decisions that would possibly effect many! That's right...nothing! All I know is that I have a passion for the medical field; I've had it since a child. I know every aspect of the human heart my favorite medical discussion. I love to research and read studies...but lastly I have a passion to help others. Initial I was so excited! Do you know what this meant? I would be somebody! A person of prestige and honor! I would make a tremendous difference in people's lives! I couldn't wait to share it with the world! God had sent to me my purpose, my plan! But...had he?
I was up most of the night trying to figure out what to do. Jamie had told me he would support any decision but as always knows me better than myself sometimes and kindly reminded me of my dreams, goals, and stated vows to myself. Could I do it all? Yes, I do believe you can have it all, but with what sacrifices? I firmly believe that when you take on a responsibility you should take it on 100%. Otherwise, it's not fair to others involved! We have just entered a life of normalcy and it was amazing. What a gift I tell you! No more life on the edge! No more struggling to get through each day! I realized that I barely had time now to do the things that I enjoyed and fulfill a few dreams along the way. Raising my children and giving them what they needed in life meant making a difference in two people's lives already! Like many of us I have put God on the back burner at times. How could I do that after all this? If any time was to be devoted it had to be to him. So, I think he would be proud! I have a few dreams I'm working on right now! So, until I can give 100% to such an honor I will continue to follow a different path. Hopefully, as one door closes another will open. I still am determined to work with the Heart Association but in a much smaller scale. Hopefully, they will still see my passion and find a better suited role for me! I have to admit though I really wanted to say "Yes". It was a dream that I have actually had, but I pray that the opportunity will come again!
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