Every time I decide to close my blog I am convinced otherwise. As I've said before I truly have amazing people in my life. Well needless to say it's been a year. A year of curve balls, continued growth and new found perspectives. The first year after surgery was one of growing continued strength for me. I was on a roller coaster high! Within the last 9 months slowly I'm coming down from that peak. I guess what goes up must come down. Honestly, some issues are surfacing. But, hey it was to be expected. You can't be hypoxic for months, go through a number of heart procedures and still have had a perfect heart. My heart is mine and I'm still extremely blessed that I am here and 95% of the time beating all odds. I still live a life of compassion and fullness. I just call my little bumps reminders is all. Half of those reminders expose themselves because I am stubborn and feel invincible. But, I'm starting to learn to listen(a little). All is well and the kids are doing wonderful. Dax is flourishing only showing signs of windiness during sports. Here and there I get brave enough to touch his chest. For the most part he seems fine. We will repeat his echo in August...we are still praying for his miracle! But, God has a plan and at this time all I can do is trust!
So, I have been asked if I in fact lived up to my New Year's Resolution of 2010. Well, the answer is plan and simple YES! If one was to recall it was to create life experiences and experience at least one each month. My journey literally started off with a "Bang"...haha! I tried to document them as best I could via facebook. Surprisingly, I learned that I appreciated the simple experiences as much as the bigger. I've always tried to have fun and experience new things. But, pushing myself led to a greater sense of achievement. In fact some of my adventures opened the door to others. I also found that living out other's aspirations led to a greater fulfillment more than I could have imagined. Creating some of those adventures was very tough at times. A couple of times I was knocked down a few notches due to health concerns(understandable), had scheduling issues, or the weather became a factor. But, all in all I had a great year!! My friends and family inspired me to keep going and without them I wouldn't have had many of those adventures:) So, here's a few listed big and small:
1. Shot a range of guns(first time even holding a gun)-videos and pictures on facebook
2. Flew and landed a plane by myself-Which has made me think a pilot's license is in the future.
3. Glassblowing- which lead to a magazine picture, business cards, and my picture on a website.
You can view it on http://www.jefferyauxer.com/
4. Beekeeping-Just me and 300,000 bees.
5. MMA training with a wonderful friend & fight with a National title holder-which led to a front page cover in the Sussex Post and web picture.
www.crossfitocmd.com/crossfit_ocmd/2010/04/page/2/
http://www.horizonmma.com/ or look them up on facebook
6. Zumba lessons
7. Snowboarded-Still thinking I fractured my tailbone on that one
8. Published a book for my Mom
9. Took up Golfing-Honestly I'm not that bad
10. Biked 20 miles
11. Kayaking
12. Grew my first garden-truly amazing and beautiful to see what can grow from a little seed.
13. First professional football game
14. Stain glassing
15. Was in a fashion show..Represented Sussex County as a "Go RED Girl"
16. Finished a book for my children
17. Hypnotized on stage-was last one standing out of 40. Sadly, I was relaxed but not really
hypnotized.
18. Mechanical bull riding-was in a contest..missed winning by 2 seconds
19. Danced under the stars
20. Kissed in the middle of a busy intersection
21. Broke out in song for no reason in public-ended up with a number of us singing and dancing
22. Chased by gang members-that will give you a new perspective
23. Photographed my first event
24.Tried escargot, frog legs and Bison
25. Motorcycle riding at a high rate of speed with no helmet
26. Dirt bike riding in a mud pit(No helmet either...not advised)
27. Ice fishing
28. Part of a stage production
29. Somehow my story has been in 3 newspaper in all this year:)
30. Ran my longest distance of 6miles
31. Ran the mudrun with friends and my hubby-Getting my husband to run was an accomplishment in itself.
http://www.delawaremudrun.com/
32. Learned about brewing beer
My adventures might not seem that crazy or interesting to others. But, to me they were all so very special. Mostly, because I experienced them with friends and loved ones. Each one taught me about a piece of life I never knew. Honestly, I made every day an adventure. Numerous times driving a different way home or stopping on a back road just to look around. Not only did I have an adventure but I experienced each one. I took it and milked it for all it was worth. I've never laughed, loved and thought any harder during this year of my life. I've seen some things I would like to change and I've valued some things I love about myself. The most profound lesson I've learned from these experiences and new found positivity in life, is that plain and simple some don't like to see happiness when they are experiencing difficulty in life. At first I was taken back by this. I believe at first glance many think that maybe this excitement and positivity is masking something. Possibly, it could be that they think I must not have any difficulties in life like them. Well, sadly I have the same ups and downs of life just like any other. But, what is different about my life is that I have been blessed with a Gift. The Gift was that I was given an illness that at one point I was faced with an inevitable poor diagnosis. It made me in a matter of days reevaluate my life and who I was. Although, I would never what to go back to that place again I am in a way very thankful because that Gift turned into a true blessing in my life. So, I do hope that those know that they don't have to go through a life changing experience to be happy. Your life can truly be anything you wish. Create it and then go out and live it! Remember to always laugh at your mistakes and praise yourself for learning from them. If you are tired and weary, be thankful because that means you just made a difference somehow. It's easy to be thankful for the good things but that's not what teaches us. The difficult times are when we grow the most and learn our greatest of lessons.
I have so MANY more adventures I can't wait to experience in life! Hopefully, God will continue to bless me with the gift of time. I'm thankful for a physician who recognizes the value of not listening to numbers but rather to his patient:) I can't change my circumstance but I can dictate how I play the hand I am dealt. As far as my new New Year's Resolution well...it will be the same! I've had such a fun year that I can't wait to see what new adventures are in store for me! So, if you have one be sure to keep me in mind because I'm up to ANY challenge!! Happy Holiday's all and Happy New Year!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
And the Curve Balls Keep Coming!
Well, what a story I have to tell! Jamie and I have been very unsettled about the whole surgical issue. Well, who wouldn't be...Right? We had very different perspectives on how Dax's ASD should be fixed. We researched till our eyes were so strained from the computer that it hurt to keep them opened. "Overwhelmed", really is not the word for it! Hopkins, based on the echo already wanted to schedule a surgical date for mid September and I felt too pressured and uneasy. I had just come to terms that Dax needed surgery but how was really eating at me. How do you place an implant in your own child that failed you? But, on the other hand how do you choose for your child to be cut open when is he perfectly fine at this moment?? Ugh...honestly I broke down last night and told Jamie this is something in life I just can't handle. For me the choice was easy when it was my body. When it comes to my baby boy...it's a different story. I was harvesting guilt and apprehension to say the least. So today was a day of built up emotions. We were scheduled to meet with a Doctor from Children's in D.C. This Doctor came highly recommended and initially had stated that Dax was recommended for surgery based on the echo performed at a local hospital. We had decided to pay him a visit after being overwhelmed by Hopkins. Jamie and I decided Dax needed to have a local pediatric cardiologist to follow him throughout his childhood and we just wanted to directly hear what he had to say. We enter his office and his staff was great. All were interested in Dax's outcome. The Doctor evaluated Dax and wanted to repeat his echo. He stated that the initial echo wasn't of the best quality and wanted to evaluate Dax from his own machine. So again Dax is hooked up and evaluated. There were six of us in the echo room just starring at the monitor...waiting. The Doctor stated his ASD appears much smaller on his machine. He did say that there is a plus or minus factor but that his ASD appears half the size. This time stating no surgical intervention was needed at this time. I tell you it was music to our ears! His advice was to wait another year and reevaluate Dax to see what changes occur. Will it grow? It's possible. Will it shrink? It's possible. Or possibly will it remain the same. All is unknown at this time. But, what was accomplished was that...We have time! We have time to decide and to think and to watch. God for some reason knew we weren't comfortable and just maybe might perform a miracle for our family yet again:) God made us aware of our little boy's issues but also gave us time to process and decide what is best for him. God might even present us with newer options. But, he has given us more time and hope to decide what's best for our baby!! That in itself is just what we need right now! So, from here we are waiting to hear back from Hopkins and probably I will go ahead and speak with CHOP. Until then, we are relieved and so very thankful to all those that prayed for our family! We value each and every one of you. Please know that because of your prayers I firmly believe Dax can have his own miracle!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
The Research
Well, sadly until we decide how to manage Dax"s condition I have been absorbed in research and with the whole topic in general. Seems years ago you had two options. ASDs were either so large that they had to fixed or they were small enough that open heart at the time was too risky. With the advancements made with open heart procedures, other options and the known future effects of an ASD it is now suggested that all be fixed. The hard part is trying to figure out which way to fix him is best. Having to fix his ASD is something at this time I am still having trouble getting a grasp of. Even with the first hand knowledge of how it feels to have such a bad heart myself. I look at Dax and he is beautiful and healthy. He runs, plays and dances. He is carefree and the world is a beautiful place in his eyes. He has never seen how scary sometimes life can get. I just don't wanna take him from that right now. I don't wanna put him in a world of fear & pain. I know that sounds selfish and running from the issue. But, can't we just wait?? Just till Mommy can handle this?? Of course I am gonna do what is best but I want to be honest with you on my thoughts. I know he will be fine and that God along with the doctors will take care of him. But, this is really hard for me to allow them to step in this time.
Our progress so far has been great! I had Dax's echo faxed to me and it states he has a fenestrated ASD. Small hole in one area(labeled small asd) and in another area a PFO(hole that opens during baring down). He has no heart enlargement at this time but his tricuspid valve and pulmontic valve are strained. Basically, if his heart keeps getting strained such as in growth or sports there is a very high chance he will develop heart enlargement and valve issues as with myself. The theory is fix it now so that none of that will occur. I have spoken with 7 different doctors all with different views on how it should be fixed but all agree it should. I ask one yesterday...can't we wait 10 years just to see if there are better advancements out. His statement to me was, "Do you really want to take that risk with his heart?" "Do you want him to end up like you." But, I said, "that's not 100% he will and that he could be perfectly fine." His statement was, "look at the statistics, think of him not yourself. I know you wanna run away from this but simply you can't."
We have narrowed our choices down to A.I dupont(2 doctors there) and a couple at C.H.O.P. the 2nd in the world for pediatric heart surgery. In addition my own personal heart surgeon whom knows my condition best has referred me to two different Doctors at JHU. My surgeon's own son had open heart surgery performed by these two doctors. I honestly don't think I could get a better recommendation than from a heart surgeon who's been through the same thing! At this time we are waiting for an appointment with them first. If need be we will continue to get 3rd and 4th opinions never stopping till we feel comfortable.
I wanna thank all of my wonderful friends for helping us through this difficult decision. I have received so much feedback that was more helpful than you'll ever know! Please continue to pray that we make the right decisions for Dax and his heart:) I'll continue to keep you all posted!!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
A new Chapter
As you know I've turned to writing for my new found comfort and for informative purposes for friends and family. Today, my world was rocked like no other. Seems my heart story is no longer just mine. I now share it with my littlest angel Dax. When I was just diagnosed I of course ran straight to listen to my children's little hearts. Mya's was strong and perfect and then there was Dax's. His was booming and here and there had what sounded like a never ending beat-swish. I was in denial thinking I was making this all up in my head. I had been encouraged numerous times to check the kids out by my cardiologist but I felt sadly if I'm not aware it will go away. Really not the best way to handle the situation but I felt too weak to handle it any other way. I had been through so much and my life was finally stable and happy again. So, this year I happily strolled into the pediatrician's office. Mya was first and finished quickly. Dax went next(as the stethoscope was placed on his chest) the pediatrician said...now can you tell me your heart history again. Ding Ding! My hidden fears were confirmed. So, echo's were ordered and performed. Dax's took a little longer but again...I was just putting silly thoughts in my head. Until, Dax says, "Mommy, mine took longer than Mya's". Ughh just another coincidence. One day later(today) I receive the call. "Well, Anne I've been sitting here trying to think of what I might say to you. I don't know how to tell you this and it saddens me to do this but I have to. I know clearly you wanna run but you can't any longer....Dax has a streched PFO and an ASD. He is 6 and at that age all openings should be closed independently. Especially with your heart condition and history. It appears it would be best if you meet with a pediatric cardiologist/surgeon. I can't be 100% sure they will fix it but I'm almost positive they will suggest some form of surgery or procedure. Most likely a closure device performed via catherization."
So, basically I will need to find a great, trustworthy pediatric cardiologist to take a look at Dax. I am filled with so many emotions at this point. Yes, I do know that it could be much, much worse and that knowing is better. But, wow we've been through so much these past couple of years!! So many complications occurred and permanent damage it's just down right scary!! So, I'm gonna focus on ONLY the positive. My friend said it best,"God's plan was for me to be sick first so that I can help chose my son's path and show him strength." We will get thru just like before. I am thankful that God gave me the strength to help diagnose Dax early before he has complications like I did. I am thankful that he will be healed and live a strong healthy life! I am thankful that he has fairly common heart defects that are the easiest to fix. I am thankful for today's technology and medical advancements. Lastly, I am thankful for knowing that I have faith in God that He will take care of my baby no matter what life brings! I will not run or push Him away I will find my strength from Him! So, my dearest friends...here's what you can do: Please pray and if you know or have any advice big or small please give it. Don't worry about over stepping or thinking it might upset me. If you know of anyone who has had surgeries or knows of a pediatric surgeon(a friend of a friend ect) please send their number my way. I would appreciate any input or advice big or small! I'll keep you all posted. Thank you to all of my incredible friends who I honestly couldn't do without!! Love you:)
So, basically I will need to find a great, trustworthy pediatric cardiologist to take a look at Dax. I am filled with so many emotions at this point. Yes, I do know that it could be much, much worse and that knowing is better. But, wow we've been through so much these past couple of years!! So many complications occurred and permanent damage it's just down right scary!! So, I'm gonna focus on ONLY the positive. My friend said it best,"God's plan was for me to be sick first so that I can help chose my son's path and show him strength." We will get thru just like before. I am thankful that God gave me the strength to help diagnose Dax early before he has complications like I did. I am thankful that he will be healed and live a strong healthy life! I am thankful that he has fairly common heart defects that are the easiest to fix. I am thankful for today's technology and medical advancements. Lastly, I am thankful for knowing that I have faith in God that He will take care of my baby no matter what life brings! I will not run or push Him away I will find my strength from Him! So, my dearest friends...here's what you can do: Please pray and if you know or have any advice big or small please give it. Don't worry about over stepping or thinking it might upset me. If you know of anyone who has had surgeries or knows of a pediatric surgeon(a friend of a friend ect) please send their number my way. I would appreciate any input or advice big or small! I'll keep you all posted. Thank you to all of my incredible friends who I honestly couldn't do without!! Love you:)
Friday, March 12, 2010
Learning to "Breathe the Moment"
On April 9th 2010 it will be exactly one year from my open heart. Although I had been sick quite a few months longer and had endured other surgeries and procedures, it was the day that marked a new journey. A journey of health and new perspectives. A new lease on life I guess you might say. If you ask me how I felt one year ago...all I can say is I was full of hope and anticipation. Up to that point I realized that anger and despair has never been found to make a situation better. When the world felt as if it were saying,"Give Up", Hope was whispering to me, "Try it one more time." I looked back at my facebook entries and noticed not too much was really said. My entry was, "Today's the day!" Most of the comments were from friends. Notes of encouragement and positivity. For that, I will be forever greatful. So many have told me I've inspired them, encouraged them to be a better person and have a brighter outlook on life. The truth is, I never tried to do any of that. I lived day for day just trying to get through. If it wasn't for so many people who continued to try to encourage me..never letting me forget how loved I was..and my continual effort to trust in God, I wouldn't be the one who inspired at all. So, thank you my dear friends for staying by my side and pushing me to never give up! I love you all dearly!
So, I was given this amazing second chance in life, what will I do with it? For some reason in life I was given this journey. I would have loved to say to God, "Hey Buddy you mind if I have a rain check." But, my life didn't pan out the way I exactly wanted it too. So, I see this trial as a form of shock therapy. I was stripped from self pleasures and distractions, and forced to look at life in a different way. God permitted me to wake up a little more. He did it in a crazy way I must say. Crazy enough I had to be told I wasn't going to make it through life much longer, endure three heart surgeries which were very rough, and another possibility of a fatal complication. Not to mention all of my daily struggles. By the end of it all I said one night, "God you have my complete attention now!" Because I understood that this was for a reason I struggled for quite some time of what that meant. I felt for awhile a heavy burden of what great expectation of his I could perform to show how greatful I was. As time passed and I started to listen to those around me, I realized what my purpose was. Here I was thinking I had to have this great impact on the world. I had to do something so remarkable that it would change the world as we knew it. I had to be a Mother Theresa in a sense. But, as my journey progressed, I realized all I needed to do was show my continual faith, learn from my mistakes, and be a good person. I learned that if you lead your life in the right way, Karma in a sense will take care of the rest. I assumed I was doing all of these things before I was sick. But, I was not being truthful to myself. I didn't always put my faith first(I placed it on a shelf and used it in time of need only). I allowed daily distractions to slip in and push my family and friends to the side. I relied on materialist things at times to make me feel better about myself.
So, I guess you've realized I'm perfect now right!! So far from the truth. I still have days where I think negative, where I have to push myself to be better. I say bad words, and every once in awhile say to my children,"can you hold on a minute." But, the difference now is that I realize it. I understand my faults and admit to them. I look at life differently and rethink a situation. I regained my "childlike wonder" in life and intend not to lose that. In every life circumstance there is at least one positive and I'm determined to find it now. One day a few weeks ago a Doctor at work(hadn't seen me in about 7 months) said," Anne, when I talk to you I envision rainbows and butterflies swarmimg around you." I asked what he meant and he said," I swear you see the positive in all!" You know that was one of the best compliments I had ever gotten. The glass is half full now and darn it I intend to keep it that way!
The past year has flown by. I have fulfilled many goals for myself and developed a passion for life I didn't even know existed. In a sense I am so grateful for this journey. It has allowed me to challenge myself, become the person I always wanted to be and find life's true meaning. I've realized we can't change the cards we are dealt , just how they are played. The brick walls in life are put there to make us realize just how badly we want something.
Lastly, I didn't go through this journey alone...it effected many of my friends and family's lives. They made dinner, watched my children, prayed, and listened and waited by the phone for hours to hear test results or how a procedure went. I will never forget that. My dear Mother stayed with me weeks on end doing laundry, cleaning, managing the kids and making sure we were well fed. The Doctor laughed at my follow up appointment and said, " you know most people lose weight after open heart!" But, mostly my journey effected one particular person the most. That would be my husband Jamie. Growing up you envision whom you would marry. Jamie, to be honest was not quite what I envisioned. I was 17 and he was 23(so old). He grew on me, always challenging me....kinda fly by night kind of guy. By 20 I was begging him to marry me and the rest was history. We were married and at 21 I honestly don't think a girl really knows what marriage material is. I just knew I was in love and didn't care about much else. You say the words "In sickness and health" when you are married but don't think much about them. Thinking that will come when we are old. Never did I expect to get sick by 30. So, our marriage was put to that test pretty early on. To be honest at points of my illness I would get angry at how he reacted. Thinking that's not how I would react! How could he remain so cool and collected during my darkest time? He's not on his knees praying for God to heal me or why is he able to even eat. We all say we will act a certain way when dealing with a hardship but we will never know until it is thrown at us. I never truly gave him the credit he deserves. Let me tell you what this remarkable man did for me: He allowed me to sleep without question for hours on end. He made meals and brought them to bed(I still get breakfast in bed a few times a month). He taught me to let the laundry and housework go..."it will always be there." He took me to doctor's appointments and procedures. He never complained...period. He listened and let me tell only him when I was scared. All I would have to do is look at him and he could tell in my eyes what he needed to do...either take the kids in the other room or just simply hold me. He told me everyday how much he loved me and how beautiful I was(even during the periods of a soft blue coloring). He held my hand when I slept...just so I would know he was there. He prayed with me and scratched my back until I fell asleep at night. Making sure I fell asleep first because he wanted to make sure I wasn't up worrying. When I was in the hospital and in pain he took it away with laughter. He bathed me, dressed me,combed my hair, put lip gloss on me, and when I would just look at the hospital food he would hop up and get me something else. When I was at home he catered to me completely waking up around the clock to make sure I received medication. There where quite a few times I awoke with his ear to my chest. Scare and amazed at how fast my heart was beating and jumping around. I could go on and on...funny how we only focus on the negative at times. So thank you my Beautiful husband..you are more than I could have dreamed of.
I'm sure I will continue to have more journeys and hills to climb in the future but that is what will make me who I am and will be. If I had to say what my greatest lesson was from all of this..it would be to get God off the self, make everyday count...finding joy and wonder in every moment, appreciate what you have and those around you, and learn from the good and bad in life! Remember, it's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again because that is a true measure of who you are!
"Dream Big...Dream without Fear...Dream with Love....and breathe the moment!"
So, I was given this amazing second chance in life, what will I do with it? For some reason in life I was given this journey. I would have loved to say to God, "Hey Buddy you mind if I have a rain check." But, my life didn't pan out the way I exactly wanted it too. So, I see this trial as a form of shock therapy. I was stripped from self pleasures and distractions, and forced to look at life in a different way. God permitted me to wake up a little more. He did it in a crazy way I must say. Crazy enough I had to be told I wasn't going to make it through life much longer, endure three heart surgeries which were very rough, and another possibility of a fatal complication. Not to mention all of my daily struggles. By the end of it all I said one night, "God you have my complete attention now!" Because I understood that this was for a reason I struggled for quite some time of what that meant. I felt for awhile a heavy burden of what great expectation of his I could perform to show how greatful I was. As time passed and I started to listen to those around me, I realized what my purpose was. Here I was thinking I had to have this great impact on the world. I had to do something so remarkable that it would change the world as we knew it. I had to be a Mother Theresa in a sense. But, as my journey progressed, I realized all I needed to do was show my continual faith, learn from my mistakes, and be a good person. I learned that if you lead your life in the right way, Karma in a sense will take care of the rest. I assumed I was doing all of these things before I was sick. But, I was not being truthful to myself. I didn't always put my faith first(I placed it on a shelf and used it in time of need only). I allowed daily distractions to slip in and push my family and friends to the side. I relied on materialist things at times to make me feel better about myself.
So, I guess you've realized I'm perfect now right!! So far from the truth. I still have days where I think negative, where I have to push myself to be better. I say bad words, and every once in awhile say to my children,"can you hold on a minute." But, the difference now is that I realize it. I understand my faults and admit to them. I look at life differently and rethink a situation. I regained my "childlike wonder" in life and intend not to lose that. In every life circumstance there is at least one positive and I'm determined to find it now. One day a few weeks ago a Doctor at work(hadn't seen me in about 7 months) said," Anne, when I talk to you I envision rainbows and butterflies swarmimg around you." I asked what he meant and he said," I swear you see the positive in all!" You know that was one of the best compliments I had ever gotten. The glass is half full now and darn it I intend to keep it that way!
The past year has flown by. I have fulfilled many goals for myself and developed a passion for life I didn't even know existed. In a sense I am so grateful for this journey. It has allowed me to challenge myself, become the person I always wanted to be and find life's true meaning. I've realized we can't change the cards we are dealt , just how they are played. The brick walls in life are put there to make us realize just how badly we want something.
Lastly, I didn't go through this journey alone...it effected many of my friends and family's lives. They made dinner, watched my children, prayed, and listened and waited by the phone for hours to hear test results or how a procedure went. I will never forget that. My dear Mother stayed with me weeks on end doing laundry, cleaning, managing the kids and making sure we were well fed. The Doctor laughed at my follow up appointment and said, " you know most people lose weight after open heart!" But, mostly my journey effected one particular person the most. That would be my husband Jamie. Growing up you envision whom you would marry. Jamie, to be honest was not quite what I envisioned. I was 17 and he was 23(so old). He grew on me, always challenging me....kinda fly by night kind of guy. By 20 I was begging him to marry me and the rest was history. We were married and at 21 I honestly don't think a girl really knows what marriage material is. I just knew I was in love and didn't care about much else. You say the words "In sickness and health" when you are married but don't think much about them. Thinking that will come when we are old. Never did I expect to get sick by 30. So, our marriage was put to that test pretty early on. To be honest at points of my illness I would get angry at how he reacted. Thinking that's not how I would react! How could he remain so cool and collected during my darkest time? He's not on his knees praying for God to heal me or why is he able to even eat. We all say we will act a certain way when dealing with a hardship but we will never know until it is thrown at us. I never truly gave him the credit he deserves. Let me tell you what this remarkable man did for me: He allowed me to sleep without question for hours on end. He made meals and brought them to bed(I still get breakfast in bed a few times a month). He taught me to let the laundry and housework go..."it will always be there." He took me to doctor's appointments and procedures. He never complained...period. He listened and let me tell only him when I was scared. All I would have to do is look at him and he could tell in my eyes what he needed to do...either take the kids in the other room or just simply hold me. He told me everyday how much he loved me and how beautiful I was(even during the periods of a soft blue coloring). He held my hand when I slept...just so I would know he was there. He prayed with me and scratched my back until I fell asleep at night. Making sure I fell asleep first because he wanted to make sure I wasn't up worrying. When I was in the hospital and in pain he took it away with laughter. He bathed me, dressed me,combed my hair, put lip gloss on me, and when I would just look at the hospital food he would hop up and get me something else. When I was at home he catered to me completely waking up around the clock to make sure I received medication. There where quite a few times I awoke with his ear to my chest. Scare and amazed at how fast my heart was beating and jumping around. I could go on and on...funny how we only focus on the negative at times. So thank you my Beautiful husband..you are more than I could have dreamed of.
I'm sure I will continue to have more journeys and hills to climb in the future but that is what will make me who I am and will be. If I had to say what my greatest lesson was from all of this..it would be to get God off the self, make everyday count...finding joy and wonder in every moment, appreciate what you have and those around you, and learn from the good and bad in life! Remember, it's not whether you get knocked down. It's whether you get up again because that is a true measure of who you are!
"Dream Big...Dream without Fear...Dream with Love....and breathe the moment!"
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Happy New Year!!
Although a whole year has not pasted since open heart, it is in fact a new year. I was shocked that I was so overwhelmed. 2008/2009 were so difficult that it was just another reminder of a new me...a new start! So, what will I do with my new healthy year? Well, I have the typical New Years resolutions such as get in better shape, grow stronger in faith, and be a better all around person. But, as you can imagine I see my life in a different perspective. I believed that previously I never took life for granted. I saw death on almost a weekly basis....so I knew how precious life could be. Yes, maybe I did realize the importance of family, friends and moments more than others. But, something changes you beyond words when you are traumatized with an illness or near death experience.
I have decided to finally share a moment when my life changed like no other. Up until this point I know I have been quite open and candid. But, I have had to personally deal with a particular moment that was not only frightening it was...well there's no other word but traumatizing. Of course a person might think it was the misdiagnosis, 3 heart surgeries, being evaluated for lung/heart transplant,TIAs, or a possibility of an aortic tear that might of gotten me. No, I remained stronger than I could have ever imagined myself during those moments. My moment was after my second open heart.....I was lying there about 2 am in pain, on a ventilator, not being able to speak. I had just been shocked and my heart rate was 30(in a junctional rhythm) not perfusing. My nurse called a staff emergency due to my heart rate and blood pressure(50/40). Yes, it is possible and still be alive. I honestly can say that in the 11years of my medical background I have never seen it. But, never the less I was awake and knew what was next. I was on an epinephrine drip(to increase my heart rate), blood pressure medications ect. A team presented at the end of my bed. Two physicians, a nurse and a nurse practitioner. They had the operating MD on the line. They couldn't figure out what to do. More fluids? I was already up 55lbs which was putting alot of strain on my heart and kidneys. I was maxed out on drips. I heard one of them say, "I'm honestly baffled!" "What", I'm at one of the leading hospitals in the U.S. and your baffled!! They debated about going to the OR a third time. They decided to start continuously pacing me. Not the sweet pacemaker shocks(I wish) but the kind that rips though your body. I was shocked every 20 seconds. I was smart enough to know that possibly this would be my last few hours in this world. I was frightened and felt completely alone. I had to get out of my body one way or another...the pain was like no other. Was this finally how it would all end? I went through all of this and fought for myself and for my children.....for what to die alone? I wouldn't ever get the chance to say goodbye or hold them again. I had to find comfort somehow. I started to flashback on my life. I reflected on the faces of my children, Jamie, my family and friends. I relived the birth of my children, and my wedding day. I imagined what my funeral would be and look like. I wondered what people would say about me. Then when I was finished I started to pray. I prayed not to live because I knew that was beyond my control. But, I prayed for God to allow my last thoughts to be of him and my family. I prayed for peace and comfort to be brought to my family. Lastly, I prayed not to feel alone. At that moment I felt warmth throughout my body. I felt a comfort like no other. I was not alone nor would I ever be! As the team was still baffled on what to do, I knew without a doubt I was going to be o.k. I signaled a thumbs up. The nurse explained, "I think she's alert and understands." One of the Doctors said. "impossible!" My nurse said, "Anne do you understand what's going on?" I nodded, "Yes." Again, I put my thumb up. The nurse grabbed my arm and said, "I can't believe this! Don't worry I will not leave your side. I will be with you every moment." With that I must have passed out do to shock.
Due to that experience I will never be the same. I realized the importance of a human touch. I understood the power of prayer and God's presence. I realized how cluttered my life was of meaningless things. I realized I pushed family, friends, or things off. Thinking, they'll understand or I'll get to it later. I assumed to much.
So, if you want to know what my New Years resolutions are....I want to live life like everyday is my last! I want to not assume my family and friends know I love them but to tell them. Even if it annoys them to no end. I want to be driven by my heart, not caring what others think. If you think I'm mushy and cheesy so be it! If you don't understand my love for God and Jesus, so be it! I am me...we all are unique due to our life experiences. As part of the new me I intend on having a new life experience each month. So, if you have any ideas I'm up for any challenge! Happy New Year!
I have decided to finally share a moment when my life changed like no other. Up until this point I know I have been quite open and candid. But, I have had to personally deal with a particular moment that was not only frightening it was...well there's no other word but traumatizing. Of course a person might think it was the misdiagnosis, 3 heart surgeries, being evaluated for lung/heart transplant,TIAs, or a possibility of an aortic tear that might of gotten me. No, I remained stronger than I could have ever imagined myself during those moments. My moment was after my second open heart.....I was lying there about 2 am in pain, on a ventilator, not being able to speak. I had just been shocked and my heart rate was 30(in a junctional rhythm) not perfusing. My nurse called a staff emergency due to my heart rate and blood pressure(50/40). Yes, it is possible and still be alive. I honestly can say that in the 11years of my medical background I have never seen it. But, never the less I was awake and knew what was next. I was on an epinephrine drip(to increase my heart rate), blood pressure medications ect. A team presented at the end of my bed. Two physicians, a nurse and a nurse practitioner. They had the operating MD on the line. They couldn't figure out what to do. More fluids? I was already up 55lbs which was putting alot of strain on my heart and kidneys. I was maxed out on drips. I heard one of them say, "I'm honestly baffled!" "What", I'm at one of the leading hospitals in the U.S. and your baffled!! They debated about going to the OR a third time. They decided to start continuously pacing me. Not the sweet pacemaker shocks(I wish) but the kind that rips though your body. I was shocked every 20 seconds. I was smart enough to know that possibly this would be my last few hours in this world. I was frightened and felt completely alone. I had to get out of my body one way or another...the pain was like no other. Was this finally how it would all end? I went through all of this and fought for myself and for my children.....for what to die alone? I wouldn't ever get the chance to say goodbye or hold them again. I had to find comfort somehow. I started to flashback on my life. I reflected on the faces of my children, Jamie, my family and friends. I relived the birth of my children, and my wedding day. I imagined what my funeral would be and look like. I wondered what people would say about me. Then when I was finished I started to pray. I prayed not to live because I knew that was beyond my control. But, I prayed for God to allow my last thoughts to be of him and my family. I prayed for peace and comfort to be brought to my family. Lastly, I prayed not to feel alone. At that moment I felt warmth throughout my body. I felt a comfort like no other. I was not alone nor would I ever be! As the team was still baffled on what to do, I knew without a doubt I was going to be o.k. I signaled a thumbs up. The nurse explained, "I think she's alert and understands." One of the Doctors said. "impossible!" My nurse said, "Anne do you understand what's going on?" I nodded, "Yes." Again, I put my thumb up. The nurse grabbed my arm and said, "I can't believe this! Don't worry I will not leave your side. I will be with you every moment." With that I must have passed out do to shock.
Due to that experience I will never be the same. I realized the importance of a human touch. I understood the power of prayer and God's presence. I realized how cluttered my life was of meaningless things. I realized I pushed family, friends, or things off. Thinking, they'll understand or I'll get to it later. I assumed to much.
So, if you want to know what my New Years resolutions are....I want to live life like everyday is my last! I want to not assume my family and friends know I love them but to tell them. Even if it annoys them to no end. I want to be driven by my heart, not caring what others think. If you think I'm mushy and cheesy so be it! If you don't understand my love for God and Jesus, so be it! I am me...we all are unique due to our life experiences. As part of the new me I intend on having a new life experience each month. So, if you have any ideas I'm up for any challenge! Happy New Year!
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