Saturday, September 17, 2011

"Letting Jesus Take my Wheel"

I was going to start my blog with all the many updates that are occurring in my life. I've had quite a few hiccups and Dax has us worried to death lately. But, then I realized something....do I have control? Yes, I have choices but do I really have the ultimate control? Can I change the ultimate outcome? No.....if you have faith then you'd realize you aren't the driver. I often have to let go of my wheel and allow my faith and trust in Jesus to take over. Therefore, I want to start with a story.....

A few weeks ago, I had a patient. As always, it's an emergency and we try to maintain our composure as best as possible in urgent cases. Everyone knew their part and performed their tasks, as if we were in a uniformed dance. The patient was quickly placed on a breathing machine and remained purposefully sedated. As with all my patients, sedated or not, I tend to easily touch them and sometimes even talk to them. In this case, I was doing both as the room cleared. The patient was stable and it was time for many to tend to all the other emergencies occurring. As the room cleared, I saw a man sitting about four feet away at the end of the bed. Someone had gotten him a chair and he was sitting.....watching me. He never said a word and from time to time he put his head down. He appeared to be in his mid forties. I continued doing what I was doing and finished up within another 30minutes. He still sat quietly, never saying a word. When I finished I pulled up a chair next to him. I introduced myself and asked him his name and relation. The patient was his wife. We chatted a few minutes. I tried to make him comfortable by asking him a few questions as if you would a first meeting and then told him a little bit about myself. I eased in the hard truths about his wife and that although very sick she would be o.k. He asked many questions and I answered. I'd leave and come back and ask if he had more. Soon, it was time for me to go and I was fortunate to take care of her another day that week. A couple of weeks passed and as I was rounding a corner the husband yells out my name from down the hall. I walk up to him and immediately he starts to cry. "Anne, I have been looking for you for days." Each day describing you.....then he stops.....he hugs me and says "Anne, I heard your story & how can something so horrible happen to someone like you?" "You touched my life, I told my wife about you, you have to meet her now that she's awake!" "You made such a difference in our lives and I will never forget you!"As he leads my arm to her he says,"I never met someone so full of life & full of compassion for others!" The husband again says, "How can a person be so happy when they have had such difficulties in their life." I answered with a smile and said, "What you don't understand, it's because of these difficulties I now am who I am." I learned more compassion because I was that patient. I learned the power of touch because I know what's it's like to need it so desperately. I learned to trust in a complete stranger just because of a touch or friendly face. I learned that I'm not the driver.......someone much more powerful than me is. I have learned to accept what he gives me, not ask too many questions, and try to make the best out of each challenge he ask of me.

So, is my life so bad after all? No way! There are days where I just find it too difficult to get out of bed. There are days that I'm fearful as a symptom starts to present itself. Many days I struggle with frustration from my stroke. Thinking no one understands. Those struggles make all the good days that much better. They help me realize what I am fighting for. I'm fighting for those patient's lives I still have to impact. I'm fighting to create awareness. I'm trying to show many, that no matter what you're faced with you can still make a difference and win a battle. It might not be a battle we asked for, nor an easy one. But, it can still give you a purpose in life & positively change the outcome of many others. I was put on this earth for a reason. I might have one main purpose or many. But, what I will tell you is this.....I was put here to make a difference. It might seem so small at the time but watch out, I have seen first hand how the strategic placement of each one of us has created a huge impact on many. If my only purpose was to change my children's lives that's good enough for me.

For each new bump that has occurred it has only made me want to achieve more & to fight harder. In the past three months I have helped make a well deserving little girl smile & feel a purpose. I have raised awareness to hundreds by just telling my story and Dax's. I have held two hands as a person passed because their family wasn't able to be present. I have raised money to save many future lives. I have made the very sick smile for a moment and forget their bad day. I have given a person hope because they see what I have gone through and feel they can do the same. Yes, you are seeing many "I" but what is amazing about that is my "I" are because of so many. So many who pushed me through hard days. So many who support and believe what I'm fighting for. So many who took the time to help me with just a kind word of encouragement. So thank you all.....I'm just amazed at what "We" all have done! Thank you Jesus for driving over the many bumps that have allowed me to view the world so differently!