6 Month Echo

So today was the day! A day that would determine if I look back or keep on trucking along. If you ask me I would much rather not have even had an echo done or be hooked up to any more monitors or machines. I would like to no longer go by numbers or values and just base my health on how I feel. No news is good news in my eyes. I've done pretty well these last few days up until they made me wait.....I despise waiting it makes me think. So, luckily for me I have some great friends that I decided to bother for a pep talk. As always they are so true to me. I don't know what I would do without them!
I was finally called back. The technician a little cold in the beginning heard my story throughout the echo and became my new friend. She was actually quite helpful and knowledgeable. I think we were both a little stressed. I probably wasn't in the cheeriest of moods and her a little uneasy about seeing a cow part in someone. We were both entering an area of the unexpected. What is my heart suppose to look like and how is it suppose to perform now that it has been a little restructured. When we were finished she called on of my favorite Doctors in. He has been with me since the beginning and truly has been my angel. He came in hugged me and took a look. With that he smiled and suggested a stress echo to take a little closer look. Always asking if I minded:) A stress echo is just an echo being performed while you are walking on a treadmill. They asked for the nurse practitioner to be present...o.k. I thought! Hummm... The nurse practitioner immediately recognized me. She recalled our visit a little over a year ago where the circumstances were much different. She gave me the eye..I laughed and said, "Don't worry this time it will be o.k." She gave me a look of uncertainty. I walked on the treadmill with ease and then waited for Dr. E to return.
Dr. E again returns with another hug and smile. He first always likes to start with the compliments. He's pretty good with them too! He said how proud he is of me for turning such a horrible experience into a good one. How I haven't used this as an excuse not to live life to the fullest. He expressed how he often thinks of me and what he has learned. He teared up a little which makes me always look down when I should be hugging him. Dr. E reiterated what a miracle my outcome was! He is amazing! He made comments to the effect like he should have done more for me. I explained to him that he in fact was the one who did it all! After I was prejudged in the beginning by a previous physician; he took one look at what was suppose to be this normal, healthy 31 year old and took my word for it. He not only took my word for it but had me tested right away! He could of just sent me for further testing over the next few weeks. I was actually directly admitted that day to the hospital. So, I explained, "you were the key factor in my diagnosis." I couldn't ask for a better physician on my side. In a way we were on this journey together. Then after a little more discussion a high five and a hug I was off.
In all my echo looked great! Dr. E said he didn't even see any scar tissue at this time nor enlargements. My septal wall was still very flexible and my implant looked beautiful. It was doing it's job. The only concern at this point was the valves being a little stretched from all the new blood volume and hopefully in time my heart will adjust. If not, in about 20-30 years I might need some new valves. Who knows what will be in the market those days. I might end up part cow and part monkey or something along those lines. Hey, if that's my only problem I am more than thankful! I am still here doing the things I love and being with the people who complete my world. Right now that's all that matters!

Do you ever forget?

As with many of my posts I am completely honest and upfront. Never sugar coating my thoughts and feelings. I had many, many difficult days. Although, I always tried to focus on the good days. So, this post is one of fear/concern(just being honest). This week I will be having my six month echo. Of course everything should be fabulous.....right? Obviously, I am much better and have beat every odd against me. But, something never goes away with any major illness or trauma. That is the fear of going back...back to that scary time of your life when you had no control. When you are going through something so traumatic during that time period you are in survival mode. All you're focused on is getting through the next procedure, the day or sometimes even the next hour. I never had time to think of the what ifs....but now I do. Funny, I thought once my fight was over I had made it through completely traumatized free. I know now what post traumatic stress syndrome is. It is the fear of going back...back to uncertainty. Most of the time I am proud of myself for charging through my illness and it gives me a sense of accomplishment. But, other times I hate to look back. I'm frightened to think how close I was to loosing so many things in my life. I was living in a word where my body was a prison. Honestly, can you blame me for not wanting to ever go back. I was given an illness and I dealt with it the best I could. I chose the high road and learned from my journey. Even though my illness taught me so many life lessons I still wouldn't have even wanted it to happen in a million years. Not even to my worst enemy(if I ever had one). So, all I can do is pray that the fear doesn't consume me. I will also pray that my implant is working, that no scar tissue has developed, my heart pressures are low, and hopefully no signs of heart failure. No matter what, I have and will continue to do the best I can to cope and persevere in life!

Life choice's......what to do?

During the process of being ill a series of self/life evaluations normally occurs. You ask yourself the follow questions.....am I a good person, mother, friend? What will I leave behind if I pass? Was I good enough and true enough for God to accept me? Lastly, did I achieve all of my hopes and dreams that I had for myself? Not only are you dealing with a stress of an illness of the unknown...your dealing with the stress of that major self evaluation. After my initial diagnosis I was determine to make an all around difference. I was a good mother but I was going to better. Never pushing my children to the side or telling them I was to busy. I wanted to show them that no matter what happened I was a fighter. When the world handed me a lemon I was going to make the best lemonade possible. I was no longer going to say maybe in a few years I'll get to my dreams in life. I was going to truly show God how thankful I was to be alive even if that was possibly just a day longer. He in fact had already given me so much. I was going to be the best wife I could and make sure I was the wife that Jamie had always dreamed of. Although, if you ask him he says I always was. Boy, do I love that guy! I was going to make sure my friends knew how important they were to me and not let us grow apart. I would make every life experience a good one.

When I realize I was blessed with such a miracle I have to admit I felt a heavy undeserving feeling. Why am I the lucky one? Now what? I tell you dealing with that was almost as hard as dealing with my illness. Finally after talking with friends, family, co-workers, church members, and my patients my path was clear. I realized that just by telling my story and being an example of faith was enough. I have actually been told that I was someone's angel and that I made a difference in several people's lives. There is no greater gift in life than that! I have made a difference just by living!

As I finished writing my blog yesterday I received a phone call from the American Heart Association of Delaware asking if I would consider becoming a member of the Board of Directors!
They must have been mistaken what do I know about being a chair person for events, or raising money, or making decisions that would possibly effect many! That's right...nothing! All I know is that I have a passion for the medical field; I've had it since a child. I know every aspect of the human heart my favorite medical discussion. I love to research and read studies...but lastly I have a passion to help others. Initial I was so excited! Do you know what this meant? I would be somebody! A person of prestige and honor! I would make a tremendous difference in people's lives! I couldn't wait to share it with the world! God had sent to me my purpose, my plan! But...had he?

I was up most of the night trying to figure out what to do. Jamie had told me he would support any decision but as always knows me better than myself sometimes and kindly reminded me of my dreams, goals, and stated vows to myself. Could I do it all? Yes, I do believe you can have it all, but with what sacrifices? I firmly believe that when you take on a responsibility you should take it on 100%. Otherwise, it's not fair to others involved! We have just entered a life of normalcy and it was amazing. What a gift I tell you! No more life on the edge! No more struggling to get through each day! I realized that I barely had time now to do the things that I enjoyed and fulfill a few dreams along the way. Raising my children and giving them what they needed in life meant making a difference in two people's lives already! Like many of us I have put God on the back burner at times. How could I do that after all this? If any time was to be devoted it had to be to him. So, I think he would be proud! I have a few dreams I'm working on right now! So, until I can give 100% to such an honor I will continue to follow a different path. Hopefully, as one door closes another will open. I still am determined to work with the Heart Association but in a much smaller scale. Hopefully, they will still see my passion and find a better suited role for me! I have to admit though I really wanted to say "Yes". It was a dream that I have actually had, but I pray that the opportunity will come again!

Delaware Mud Run

How can I explain the last few weeks?? I feel as if I am walking on clouds! This month has been extra special because of where/how I was this time last year. I was living a life of uncertainty, fear, pain, and mental/physical exhaustion. To be honest...in my head I was overwhelmed with thoughts of death, and fear of the unknown. Who would take care of my children, where will my path lead me and how much pain would I endure getting there? I was in the hospital being tested(painful tests) for everything under the moon....I was getting ready for my first surgery...and shortly there after having my first TIA. Crazy month right?

Well, every month made a big difference in my life; especially a whole year! For the past three weekends I have involved myself in 5Ks. Something even as a child I wanted to accomplish but never had. Last week I was asked to participate in another 5K! But, this was different...much different! It was a 5K which involved mud(a whole lot of it) and a military type course. I looked at it online and thought what the heck...it didn't look too bad. But, when I got there it was a whole different ballgame! Not only was there mud, there was tunnel crawls, large hills, low jumps, mud pits, mud pools and 12 foot walls to climb. All doing this sopping in cold mud! Funny part...as much pain as I was in, it was a blast! A memory I didn't think I would ever have! Guess what..I can't wait until next year!

*For more picture/video visit www.delawaremudrun.com*

Heart Walk

This past weekend I was fortunate enough to participate in another 5K. This time walking for the American Heart Association. I along with 11 of my friends and family walked and enjoyed each others company for a cause near and dear to my heart! We raised a little cash and I did an interview which made my children think I was a movie star! The most amazing part was that a year earlier(one day shy) my world was turned upside down as I had known it. For the next year my faith, strength and mental health would be tested like never before. I like to think I turned out o.k. I'm proud of myself for making it through the daily stress, living and pain of all the surgeries and obstacles. But, my greatest achievement is that my faith never faltered. In fact it grew and gave me the ability to not only get through, but with grace. I think more of my friends and family were taking it harder than myself. I actually cherish what I have learned from my journey. This month has been one filled with more accomplishments and fulfillment than I've ever had in my life. I can't wait to see what the rest of my journey holds!

*Click on news article to read in detail*