I Will Not Be Broken

So, I'm sitting here thinking how can I start this blog. My feelings are not those of being upbeat but rather a little defeated. Hey, I never said this was easy. Sometimes, I might give the illusion that it is. Yes, I do focus on the positive and am so very grateful for the health and life that I do have. But at times, I too, get overwhelmed and oddly today was one of those days. Why it hit today of all days...who knows. I've given up trying to understand the human body but rather just go with it. Hoping and praying that God continues to lead me in a positive path. So, here's my day......

I had been scheduled to meet with a local neurologist who fit me in quite quickly. My appointment was moved up several times. I was in no hurry because what could she tell me or do for me that I didn't already know. The damage was already done really and I have been recovering quite quickly. I really have gotten to the point that doctors' visits are becoming a torture event. Same routine...see doctor...get tests(sometimes very uncomfortable ones)...get some answers...more tests based on those results.... It really has no end. Honestly, I want to go to a doctor for once and have them say, "WOW, you're boring see you next year." That never seems to happen anymore.

As I walk into the office the staff already was aware of who I was and what my issues were. They seemed to know me so well it was as if they were old friends. The doctor came in and I immediately felt comfortable. It could have been because I work with her and we have spoken on rare occasion. I knew she had a wonderful personality and a great educational background. We had actually run together in a local 5K. I have now learned that what is most important to me is a physician who gets me. Many are properly trained and have amazing gifts of knowledge. But, if they don't listen and don't understand me, I won't get anywhere, honestly. I've been to so many physician's that I realize that many times I'm just another heart/stroke patient to them. They can't help it. So, I went in with no expectations thinking, I'll get through the appointment...make everyone happy I went and continue on with life. Within seconds the appointment took an odd direction. I'd never been down this avenue before. Normally, I give myself a pep talk and prepare to defend against or discuss any procedures or new medications that may be thrown on me. But, my guard was down and she was allowed in....just her....just this once. Immediately, she became a woman I admired & trusted. She started describing in words things that I hadn't even admitted to anyone. The things that I thought were insignificant, now had meaning. Many of my symptoms I had denied because I so badly wanted to get better. She brought them to the table and wouldn't let me run from them. My mouth dropped.....I finally realized I had a significant stroke. To see her true concern as a mother hit me. It has always shocked me when someone first hears my story. I relive it over and over many times through them. Yes, I look normal. Picture of health right. But what should I look like?

As we dove further into my appointment it was made clear to me that this was not my first stroke....Excuse me? The residual bleed that I had was a different part of the brain. Based on old MRI's it appeared that it occurred 6months to 1 year ago. Occurring in the front of the brain. Her concern with that was there still was remaining blood that needs to be looked at. My new stroke occurred in the back of the brain affecting different areas of my body this time. I needed another MRI to evaluate the damage from both which is tomorrow. In addition, I am hiding my weaknesses more than I even realize. My left hand and leg are still significantly affected by my stroke. I'm just using other muscles to compensate. She actually was very impressed. Her conclusion is that I'm forming clots stemming from my heart. Medication is needed stronger than what I am currently on. I am very uncomfortable with this new medication and it would require weekly lab draws and close monitoring, not to mention the long term effects. So, I have a lot of research to do. I also have had a previous bleed and if another bleeding stroke, not ischemic(dead tissue) occurs it could be deadly. So, you can see my concern. I am truly torn. She has given me a few days to decide and is even calling my cardiologist so we can be on the same page.

So, needless to say I'm overwhelmed. Two strokes is alot to handle on top of everything else. I finally saw in her eyes the reality of a stroke and it put fear in me like never before. I had let down my guard and with that I saw the scary truth that I had been masking. Funny thing about me is that the typical stages through an illness that people go through...I go through them all in one day and move on. Already today I've been through anger, fear, anxiety and now a little bummed. But, as I listen into the other room I hear the following: Mya singing in her room, Dax laughing as his Daddy helps him with his homework and the dog's feet coming to find me. I still have them and I lived today! I was able to hold them in my arms and give them kisses and hugs. Jamie was able to literally sweep me off my feet and hold me. I was able to cook for them and take care of them today. Tonight, I will be able to read to them and whisper, "I love you", as I watch them fall asleep. So, I think after writing this I will be in a joyous and thankful mood. Thankful that any day I have is a Gift. A Gift, I for one will never take for granted! So, I end this with...Yes, another stroke can be added to the list. But, I REFUSE to be broken!