Thursday, October 6, 2011

It's only as hard as you make it!

Many many times I have been asked & met with a blank stare. As if the words chronic heart condition, open heart, implant, strokes don't match me the person. I often get questioned a couple of times and then that look of, "your pulling my leg, right". No, I indeed am not. But, again I find it flattering because what do those words and face put together look like? A person has to remember I'm still considered young(YAY) when associated with those words and today's technology is even better than it was 5 years ago. The second question I get is, "How do you deal?" Well, that's a good question because it varies. Mostly, everyone sees the positive because that's what I'm aiming for. If I didn't look for the good in everything where would I be. For awhile I didn't want to talk about it and there are still many things I wish I had the strength to post. It may be assumed that I still am in denial at times. Hey, why not be? I don't wanna think about it all the time. I don't want it to claim my life. I do however talk and post a lot because of the fear I felt when first going through everything. I felt so alone besides turning to God. Yes, he's always there, but sadly he doesn't always talk back or respond as quickly as I'd like him to. So, I need to find it from others whom he put in this life for me. Also, as many of you all know I decided my true purpose is to be an example to my children. I was put on this earth for them and I hope that they remember me as the greatest mother they could have ever imagined.


I still understand the curiosity that many have over what my issues & fears are. Interesting enough as soon as I became vocal I found many in similar situations. So, how do I cope and deal? Well I could give you a long list of issues and what medications I take but I'll save you from the drama. If you truly would like to know feel free to ask. My life is becoming an open book:)


So, I will say of all the issues hardest to cope with it would be the emotional ones. The mind is a powerful gift. As with anything hard in life we do get down. So, I've encountered frustration. So much more in the beginning. I've dealt with losing my old self. Sadness because I couldn't do what I wanted and feeling trapped to take medications I just down right hate! It goes against my nature. They open the doors to many fears of long term effects. I'm sad that my husband has to call me ever hour to see if I'm not out on the floor. I feel a burden at times because I just can't feel good enough to do something. Lastly, there are fears.....and many of them. Will this happen again? Will they ever find the true cause of all my strokes? Will I keep getting worse? I'm scared to drive with my children and I'm scared to be in large places because what would happen if I passed out? I was scared for a long time to hold a conversation because I'd sound silly. I'm scared that I won't wake up in the morning and I'll leave my children with a horrible memory. If you were to read the odds, my heart condition is against me, my strokes are against me......so what do I do? I PRAY!! I FIGHT!! I live my life like there will be no tomorrow. I realize that I could be the healthiest of all of you and still have a tragic event happened to me next week. We don't have control, we don't know our outcomes and I can't focus on the fears because that would consume me. I deal with knowing I am thankful for today! That I was given life despite the odds. That I have a purpose and can achieve it. I deal with knowing that each day I'm on this earth I can make a difference!

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