Monday, December 19, 2011

A New Year

A couple of years ago I started really focusing on New Years resolutions. I guess you can start them at anytime really. But mine, just so happened to occur around Jan. 1st. I was refocusing my life and trying to figure out my purpose. To tell you the truth, I think we all have many purposes in life. Mine, as far as I can tell, is to serve God, be the best mother/friend/wife I can be and to help others through my life experiences. Basically, to make a difference as best I can!

2010 was my most fullfilling year accomplishment wise. I tested my strength, and gave myself goals, feeling a sense of empowerment when I hit them. I did things I never thought I would do and was amazed at how much fun a year could be. The best part of the year was that I never thought with balancing children, work, family and friends, that I would have any time for fun! I certainly proved myself wrong! Often my children, family, friends and co-workers were included! I think 2010 was one of the best years of my life to be honest.

2011 was a year of giving back. I was so grateful to so much in my life, I decided to make 2011 of giving back and helping others achieve there goals. I was a support, I educated, I focused tremedously on raising money for an organization I truly believe in. Also, along the way without going into detail....I 100%, know I made a difference and helped some along their pathway of life:) To give back was not just rewarding, it filled my heart like never before! I did however learn so much about myself. I never realized how far a simple thank you went. To be completely selfless without a reward is one of the most humbling lessons I've ever had to learn. Yes, we all love to help others but sometimes our reward is to say, "hey, look what I did". Not to have the world know, but for at least a few friends to know. My purpose was to help others without a single sole knowing. Again, much harder to do than you would think. But, I did it....not just a few times, but many and let me tell you, the reward to see someone else achieve their goal or dreams is completly undescribable.

Soon after the year started, I suffered a stroke. I could have used recovery, or my many issues when recovering from a stroke as an excuse. But, I remained focused and driven on my New Years resolution. Sure, I have the typical resolutions...stay in shape, diet, ect......I truly value my New Years resolutions. I learned in 2010 how much sticking to them could change my life completly. Well, 2011 was no different. Sticking to my resolution, along with the help of many of you, helped me remain focused and never give up. These New Year resolutions drive me, mold me, test my character and teach me along my journey! With them I have accomplished more in two years than I ever have dreamed of. A focus is what drives me and pushes me to keep plugging along, even when the path gets tough. The ultimate decision on how my path will go is God's plan for me. But, he gave me a level head. He blessed us with free will and the ability to learn, grow and experience life. He blessed us with choices. I can't change what has happened to me but I do see that I have a clean canvas in front of me. Here and there, a drop of paint will splatter on my pretty picture. But, it's up to me to use it as a surprisingly unique splatter or to say my picture is ruined. Many times I know I make the wrong decisions and my first reaction is not the best, but if I step back & realize that every day is a new day and that I can fill it with the right choices, I tend to see things more positively!

So, what it's in store for 2012. Well, as I've learned my life is unpredictable and sometimes overwhelming. So, I'm gonna take all that I can & turn it into a positive. I am going to make this year about focusing on fulfilling my DREAMS. Big and small. I've learned that if you are happy, everything else will fall into place. Some of my dreams are going to more difficult to acheive than others but I'm determined to reach them. Some dreams might be fulfilled by an adventure or challenge. All I know is that why wait for dreams? Why wait and make excuse after excuse to accomplish them. I know that no matter what I do in life, I can always find a reason not to do something.

I've learned throughout my last 2 years that mistakes are ok. They are just stepping stones. Hey, if I didn't fail, then when would I learn anything? They make me learn more about myself and see a better way to achieve my goals in life. Sometimes, even what I thought were failures were actually blessings in disguise. They have actually lead to my greatest achievements. Funny sometimes how things work out. So, as I start taking the steps to fulfilling some of my dreams that I've been making "excuses" for, I will have to continue to remind myself that even if it's a baby step, it's still a step in the right direction. I'll never be 100%, sure I can achieve my dreams, but I can be 100% sure doing nothing won't work. All I know at this point is to go for it! Either I succeed or I learn something. How can I lose?

So, my friends and loved ones as we start a new year, I challenge you this year to find a New Years resolution! A focus that will drive you and inspire you! I promise you your life will never be the same! I hope to follow you and celebrate your life achievements just as you encourage and celebrate mine! Thank you all always for your never ending support and encouragement!!

P.S. Jamie truly misses my adventures & so do I! So, I've added them back in again. Not at the
same pace because remember I have dreams to fulfill but if you have any let us know!

Friday, December 2, 2011

"Back to Basics"

A couple of years ago when I started my blog it initially was to help my family and friends keep up with all that was occurring in my life. Then, it took a few twists and turns. It became a place to vent, cope, inform and encourage. I figured after I told my story I would be done.......well....almost 3 years later....that's obviously not the case. I never realized how much people care and honestly get hurt if I remain silent. I figured those around me would get sick and tired of hearing my never ending medical drama. Maybe that's the case for some. But, I found those who truly cared need me to be open as much I need to. So, today I'm going back to basics, informing you:)

Since my stroke in February, there have been many ups and downs. The second I get ready to inform you I get a curve ball or I am not fully aware myself of what's going on. It was explained by my new neurologist at NRH(in D.C.) that a person can go to many different doctors and get so many different perspectives. You have to go with who you feel fits. At this time "he" fits. He's right!! I have been diagnosed with several different strokes and even the number of them has been confusing?? How could this be? The culprit has been everything from atrial fibrillation, to a specific vessel in my head. Treatment has also ranged from medication to neuro surgery being considered. Thing is, they are all right in many ways. Some of the confusion in that I never realized how complex the head is and depending on the CT/MRI/MRA, technologist, radiologist and physician different varieties of information can occur.

Scary I know....you would think that possibly a distrust in a physician can develop. No way, don't get me wrong they can make a mistake. The thing is a physician has been given this amazing gift of knowledge and education. But, they can only do so much. They also have to trust in others around them. The radiologist, the nurse gathering information, the technician performing the test and lastly they depend on you the patient. Am I a good patient....if you ask them probably not. They aren't in my body and they can't read my mind. They are human just as you or I. Their job is to gather the information and paint the best related picture of what's occurring inside your body. If they have bits and piece and others fail (such as me the patient) it makes their job harder. I tend to want to get the appointment over and if they had asked the question I would give them the answer. It's not their job to do that. But, in my mind I hate to be a bother or it's the plain fact that I have somewhere to be and I just am growing weary of the never ending appointments. I am working on a being a better patient. I found that mostly, my confusing path is due to my complex case. My heart throws a massive curve ball and leads the physician down the path that it can only be heart related. Then, when they don't catch my heart doing what they thought was the culprit we have to hesitate and either wait (just in case it was missed) or rule it out. The best gift God gave us was our "gut instinct" trust it, believe what it says and you will always be right!

So, here is what I DO know. I have had two hemorrhagic strokes and another area of interest. My heart condition is very stable. I was suffering from some small seizures that were very concerning but now are gone. The cause was believed to be the trauma to my head. That was the biggest relief to date :) I have constant changes in blood pressure that can be a factor at times but if I take care of myself it is very well managed. My arrhythmias are just like 25% of the population and are easily managed. My heart pressures rise at times and cause a little build up of fluid but is also easily managed. Diet, exercise, rest and prayers are the key to feeling perfectly normal. Keeping me stress free is vital and hence the constant positivity. Hey, it works more than you could ever imagined. I honestly rarely feel stressed and that's because of an amazing group of people that surround me. I recently had a physician say, "You should be feel so fortunate for each day you wake." I nodded, said they were right, "I am blessed" and then never thought about it again. You can't focus on a perspective. Every day each of us wakes up is a blessing no matter what you are facing. When dealing with something you can't focus on the unknown and let it haunt you. Everyday, I wake up I make it the best it can be. Everyday I try a new coffee flavor, get to know someone who I have never spoken too, ect. Everyday, I thank God for this amazing perspective in life.

As far as my strokes are concern each week it gets better!! Biggest issue when dealing with a stroke as I stated before is not the physical, it's the emotional. You can read more about it in my previous blog if you haven't. I'm getting through with a hiccup here and there. But, it's always just a day here and there when everything seems to pile on top of me. It's only happens when I stretch myself too thin, push myself too hard and allow some of those feelings of "no one understands" slips in. Then I realize I have to put myself first here and there. Hey, we all should do that from time to time. When I'm feeling good it's time to push others around me to take that same time to themselves. It all balances out! As far as no one understanding. No, you don't, but how could you? Just like if someone is going through there personal issues that I have never experienced before. I'm not in their shoes and I don't live their life. But, I do know this that if you take the time to explain to someone how you're feeling, it not only helps them understand, they feel that they helped you in some way. Trust me so many have helped by just listening and even when my stroke signs peak through a friendly joke occurs. I don't mind being corrected when I get confused, being reminded 100 times to do something, being caught as I stumble from time to time, helped down a step, help me open something, asked if I hurt myself when my foot gets lazy, or even filling in the blanks for me when I can't finish a sentence. I don't mind those things because it's a sign that you care! So thank you for caring so much!

One of my major emotional issues I'm dealing with, is that I have this great new gift of life perspective. I want to do so much. I have these amazing dreams that my chronic conditions have made me want to pursue even faster. I hate being told to wait or maybe in the future. My patience isn't what it use to be. I don't wanna wait because I know how each day is a gift and that it can be taken at any time. I sometimes feel a clock is ticking, So, I've had to be happy with "baby steps". What I'm coming to realize is that those baby steps help me dabble in EVERYTHING I want to do. They force me to slow down and not only experience the moment but enjoy it more fully too. Those babies steps that I've been taking have proven to be these amazing "seeds" of so much fulfillment. The "seeds" have put me in a place in life that I could only dream of!

So friends, I hope this blog brings you comfort that I am in an amazing place in life. A place in life that sometimes pushes me down but it makes standing up so much more of an accomplishment.

I hope you all realize that just being there has meant more to me than you could ever imagine. My wish is that you always trust your "inner voice" in life and that it doesn't take a life changing experience for you to start taking those baby steps and planting your own "seeds" in life. Lastly, it doesn't matter what we are going through in life, how hard it is or even when you're told it's unachievable.....anything can be accomplished as long as we believe in ourselves and make that effort. Sometime, it just takes longer to get there.....be sure to enjoy the ride as you go :)